A Disconnected Spring Walk [Photo Journal]

Could I be getting addicted to these walks? Because this might be the sweetest addiction I’ve had…

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These days I almost feel like I’ve disconnected from the world.. ever since my walk by the grave.

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Since my walk, I’ve been responding to the voice of fear with the truth. I have been quick to remind myself that the LIES being whispered into my ears are just LIES.

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I am determined to enjoy my life and take back my peace. I am determined to grow closer and closer to God. I am determined to fulfill His purpose for me and to make an impact on those around me who need me. Maybe I can’t change the world, but I can change a corner.

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And on a random note, is it weird that I find these to be extremely comforting to look at? Especially on a pretty day?

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Another week down [Photo Journal]

I’ve found myself immersed in nature again…

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This time I went down by a lake. It’s going to be a new favorite location for me.

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It’s not a blue water beach… but I’ll take it

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I’m so grateful for the suddenly good weather. I was getting sick and tired of the cold, dreary weather!

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I’ve spent a lot of time dismissing my fears and phobias and contemplating how I will chase down my dreams.

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My “other” downsizing project

 

I don’t know how many times I’m going to delete my social medias, only to end up coming back for some silly, self-gratifying reason. Hopefully this time will be the last.

I mean, that’s what social media is supposed to do, right? Hook you in by rubbing on your ego and making you feel like a million dollars, only to later remind you that you aren’t even a million pennies…?

This is yet another one of my familiar mountains that I tend to go in circles with. A lot of the time, my excuse for coming and going on social media is that I need it as a means to “keep up with” friends… or something of that nature, but I’m always reminded of how social media does nothing but drain me of my valuable time and brain power. I’ve been a firm believer for a long time that social media negatively impacts my perception of myself and others, but I’m always enticed by the idea of “letting my friends know” what I’m up to. As if I am still so naive to think that all of my “followers” are my friends.

It’s enough I struggle with how much time I tend to spend on YouTube watching videos of little to no value. There’s no need to throw an extra social media wrench into the mixture, ey? And I’ve been allowing the thought to float around in my mind for a good while. It’s not even like I’m saying that I’m going to just disappear from the internets all together…! I’m willing to keep at least 2 forms of social media contact open, but they will be 2 where I have the most control over what I am regularly seeing.

 

I’m not the slightest bit concerned with what other people are doing and I’m not exposed to their opinions when I get off of social media. I don’t care what other women are doing to their hair and nails, who’s the most attractive man or woman on the internet, the latest diet or body trend, or anything else like that! Yet, after 30 minutes of mindless scrolling, I’m so tangled up in what everyone else thinks that I can’t remember what I’d been thinking of for the entire week. Every time I log into social media, it grabs me by my baby hairs and plugs me right on in to the rest of the world, whether I want it to or not.

 

Sometime soon, I will randomly get rid of at least one of my useless social media accounts. I feel like I’m slowly going back under my hermit shell again, but I’m not. I just know that I’ve got to protect my peace if I want to keep it. Besides that, I’ve had so many changes go on in my life and I’m realizing that I’m better of when I am extremely selective about who or what I let into my world. I’m not cutting off everyone, but I am taking a moment to work on self-care. Plus, if I’m going to take the summer (and possibly longer) off, then I want to be careful about allowing people or things into my space that can cause me to not enjoy my break.

De-clutter update #5… or 6?

Well well well…

I knew I’d be blogging about my progression in minimalism, but I was surely hoping I wouldn’t be back to say that I royally screwed it up. Sorta.

Over the past year, I’ve gone through so many emotions and thoughts and I shopped to make myself feel better. My capsule wardrobe is now completely filled with lots of clothes that I do not and will not wear, my room had slowly gained clutter again, and my life was getting cluttered too. As a part of my efforts to regather myself, I am planning to go through my things and have another de-clutter session. Luckily, it shouldn’t take me even half as long as the first time did.

I’m looking back to getting back to the good habits and life outlooks that I had before. I do believe that my life is getting back on track. A little bit at a time.

 

A sudden shift

Is it strange for me to admit that my life really hasn’t been the same since the walk I took by the grave? My thoughts have been slightly clearer, my anxiety has gone down, and I feel like I’ve grabbed fear by its horns for once in my life.

That’s not to say that I’ve defeated fear at all, but I’m fighting back suddenly. Also, I’ve been thinking very hard on whether or not I should leave my job once and for all. The majority of me says to just let it go, but the part of me that lives by logic says to stay. Because it’s a good job and I am paid good money… but some how that just doesn’t matter that much to me. I’ve asked myself if I am ungrateful or if I even deserve to have a job, but I realized those questions and their answers are irrelevant to my quest.

A long walk beside a graveyard [photo journal]

I took a long walk a couple of days ago. I’d been contemplating working on my ability to capture the beauty of nature, the way that I see it, and with the way my week had gone… I said screw it!

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I knew that beside this walking trail was a graveyard and I felt like I needed to be somewhere that would force me to think very hard about life. My life.

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There were hundreds of gravestones, if not thousands, and beneath them all lay the remains of people. People… just like me. They breathed the same air that I breathe now, they had thoughts, relatives, pet peeves… And now they’ve been reduced to soil. They’re recognized by a gravestone. And some day, that will be me. A gravestone with flowers on it. Not a woman with friends or enemies, not the research scientist, not the woman within a certain pay grade or holding a certain degree. And what will matter then?

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Why do I worry so much and allow fear to control my decision making? Why do I care so much about what people think? If I have a passion, why don’t I just go after it? Why do I allow society’s “expectations” rule my life? I don’t even really like “society”!

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By this point, my legs were beginning to cramp a little and hurt from walking for so long. I’d never spent this much time alone with God before and I felt like the dark cloud that was above me had been removed. As if I could suddenly breathe again. And then I saw something. Pretty yellow flowers, my favorite color flowers, were growing-wrapped around barbed-wire.

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As hostile and (still) dangerous barbed-wire is, the flowers still grew. Because that’s what beautiful flowers do, right? They continue to grow and bloom. They didn’t even droop or grow a less vibrant yellow color. And they didn’t grow around the barbed-wire to avoid it. How is it that a flower can do everything that I feel that I can not? How is a flower more brave and bold than me? And how can I become more brave and bolder?

Paranoia and fear has a death grip on me and if I don’t get out of it soon… it’ll lead me to my end

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I’m taking my life back.