I promised myself (actually, I made it a rule), that when I started this blog, I wouldn’t share intimate details of my life. This is for a variety of personal, mainly mental, struggles I am still working to overcome. But, I would really like to write about this because a few years from now, when I’ve accomplished my current long-term goals, I want to look back at this.
Recently, my father mentioned to me that, before I leave the country, I should have a solid foundation in who I am and where I’m from. He said that I risk trying to forcefully fit myself into the mold of another country and culture, in an attempt to have a sense of self, if I don’t make sure that I have that one thing down. And you know what, he’s right.
Before now, I had already had my rude awakening. I was quite young and I had this idea in my head that I would go to Japan and I would assimilate and just fit in. I believed that I would just “become Japanese” and finally feel like I belong. However, when I got to middle school, I was informed by some of my peers who were of other nationalities that I would never be one of them. No matter how much I hung out with them, changed my accent, mannerisms, or whatever else. So, I learned a long time ago that I should just be myself no matter where I go. The issue was that I didn’t know who I was. I had no identity. I thought I’d at least somewhat figured myself out since then, but now I don’t know. I know that it’ll be a life-long journey before I really know who I am, but recently some things have happened in my life that have called me to question all that I thought I knew. About me, about my ideas and views, and about those around me.
One of my professors asked me yesterday, “if I told you to introduce yourself, what would you say?” Now, he wasn’t asking me to literally introduce myself. In fact, the topic wasn’t about me at all, but I thought about it and realized that I don’t know how I would really introduce myself. Not only because I am unsure of some things about myself, but because over the years I have grown to doubt myself so much. At this point in my life, I think it’s safe for me to say that I am afraid of being myself. I am afraid to introduce myself and the truth about me. I am afraid to admit to what I am attracted to in a man physically. Afraid to admit my true life goals and passions. All because I have this deep, deep inner feeling that what I want, do, and like is all wrong. It’s not right, by the standards set by the rest of the world. And the more that I’ve swept myself under a rug, the more I have found myself going around the same mountain. I’ve found myself considering dating men who don’t look or even act the way that I want my future husband to because when I threw away my standards, I threw them all away. Not just a few. And I always ended up resenting myself and the guy each time because of that. I’m afraid to be honest about what I really want my body to look like. The weight I truly want to be at. So I constantly struggle with my weight. The length I want my hair to be. So I go out and purchase extensions, only to hardly use them because I feel insecure, or I constantly fret over how long it’s taking my hair to grow.
I’ve taken all the things that matter to me and I’ve treated them like junk because it’s what I believe the world will do. I think about the many situations where I’ve been asked to write about me and how stuck I always was. As if I was being asked to write about someone I didn’t know. Even here, my about me is blank- for now.
Lately, I’ve been slowly reaching a point of ultimate confusion and without meaning to, I’ve began to isolate myself. This isolation began many months ago when I first began my lifestyle changes. Now, it’s probably at its worst.
So, as I end this entry, I just want to say that at this moment of my life, I’m being forced to go backwards and recover those things about myself that I tried to throw away. And it’s funny how things work out. I would never in a million years wish to be in the situation I am in now, but it’s forcing my to do the things I needed to do, but kept putting off. So I guess that’ll be the positive outlook I will keep on my current problems.
It seems that the only way that I will survive what I’m currently going through and move forward, is if I reclaim myself. So that’s what I’m doing.