31 Day Fail

So, my 30 day challenge is already in the garbage… and now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to accomplish my other goals for next year. It sounds really awful but I am honestly feeling this way.

I’m finally here for my long-awaited vacation and my emotions have been so mixed. It could be hormonal but… well let’s start by talking about my challenge that I mentioned in an earlier post. Part of the reason why I even wanted to do the challenge was because starting later this month or early next month, I wanted to begin studying for the JLPT. My plan was to spend at least 1 hour in the morning and possibly 30 minutes in the afternoon studying. By working on this challenge prior to studying for the exam, I was supposed to be creating the habit of getting up and spending this time studying. Unfortunately, the challenge turned out to be a bit… difficult for me. I would sit down to write and quickly get hung up on words and grammar. Along with that, I’ve already had my first dispute since I’ve been here and I got so frustrated when I thought I could not understand what the store clerk was saying to me. Ultimately, I argued well and understood him quite perfectly, but in that moment, I questioned myself. Can I really speak Japanese when it matters? I’ve been studying the language for more than half of my life and I’m tripping up on it while trying to express my emotions to a simple store clerk. Doubting myself has really managed to make me fall behind and it does not feel good.

So, I took today “off”. Sure, I’m on vacation but I’ve been trying to beat jetlag by getting up and keeping busy. It’s been working pretty well for me so far but I’m ready now to take a break and clear my mind. I’m very serious about my language goals because they’re truly the catalyst to my other goals. If I could just go to a language school and call it a day, I would. But I can’t. It seems that, just before I am able to do something good, I have to work especially hard to prove how bad I want it.

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