Ah yes. Instead of studying for the JLPT, I am going to write a blog post about an unrelated topic.
I managed to climb all the way down from the ledge today when an anxiety attack smacked me across the head. I sort of knew that something was up when I tried speaking and I kept mispronouncing my words. Then came uncertainty of myself, tunnel vision, appetite loss and finally rapid heart beat. Standing on a ledge is truly the best way to describe this feeling. It’s like suddenly, at rapid speed, I’m re-evaluating nearly everything I’ve ever done as if the end is near. And then a little thought floated across my mind to think about the future instead of the present or past. It was as if the drain plug had been pulled out and the flood that I was going to drown in is now slowly emptying out. The worst part is how easily I am triggered. It doesn’t take much for my mind to go into this mode. But either way, I will not let this consume me.
I’m not only happy to have coping mechanisms handy now to stop me from doing things I’d later regret, but I am also happy to have the outlook I have now on the future. Anxiety is clearly not quite ready to let go of my life and I am glad to know ways to fight it off.