I met a young woman named Laura last weekend. She was on the riverwalk, where I had been sitting and praying, taking photos. For some reason, I felt the need to speak to her, so I asked if she’d gotten any good photos. She came right over to me and said yes and told me that she’d been travelling and taking photos. It was her dream to be a photographer. Sitting on the bench, with my hair pressed straight, my sharp suit (or at least I thought I looked sharp!), and my uncomfortable flats, I looked up at Laura. The sun was shining bright on her skin and I couldn’t help but face the fact that I had lost myself. She was an example of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. Who I thought I was on my way to becoming, until recently. I hadn’t drawn or painted a picture, finished a book, or even studied Japanese in nearly two months. I was back to eating uncontrollably and I’d put on 20 lbs, which was causing my face to swell. I hadn’t even been writing in this beloved blog of mine.
After our chat, Laura left and I wished her luck. She came back to me with a business card, which I put away and I am hoping to be able to work with her some day, and I wished her good luck again. I felt inspired in that moment and I realized that I’m trying to swim against a current. I’m being pulled under right now. Work, school, and drama that seems to always drag me back in. These days, I sometimes just think about disappearing. Not showing up to work anymore. Coming to my classes through the end of the semester, then living off a tight budget with whatever I have saved up. Spending my time outdoors, or just doing whatever makes me happy. Losing this weight, growing my hair long, drinking more water, and sharing more laughs and love with my companion. Only answering the phone when I know the call is one of positive nature. Yeah… that’s what I want to do.
But I know it’s not realistic. And I know it’s not the example I want to set for those who look to me for inspiration. So how do I take a break, without taking a break? That’s the question I’m facing.
Well, for one, I think I’m going to try to take more time to do what I love. Even if it takes some time away from everything else. I drew a picture of myself and my boyfriend today and I thought of some blog and vlog topics. I’ve been thinking of hand crafts to make too and I did my manicure. Honestly, I feel a little better already. I’ve also began to go to the gym and eat healthier again.
And as much as I do not like surprises, I’ve found that the best thing for me to do is to not plan this stuff out. Just like I just dropped everything and decided to write in my blog today, I spaced out in class to draw a picture, and randomly picked up my back and wallet and went to the gym. I started to listen to a Japanese podcast today and I asked some associates of mine for some good topics to talk about in Japanese. My boyfriend and I have also resolved to pray more often for each other, those around us (including the people who are hard to love), and for ourselves. It’s amazing to have an extra person donating strength and prayer to this beautiful cause.
So I say again, wish me luck!