On taking my own advice…

A photo of fuji in the background from Misakiguchi station

I’m always looking to comfort a loved one and remind them that everything will be alright. It’s something that I believe is one of my spiritual gifts from God and a part of His ultimate plan for me. Yet, lately I’ve had to take a serious look in the mirror. It’s great that I like to go to those who need me and encourage them and remind them that it’s in God’s hands. However, I should be doing more than just saying these things, I need to believe them, and I need to show my belief through my own actions.

I’m a woman who panics. There, I said it. I panic all of the time and 20 out of 24 hours of the day, I am in a constant state of anxiety and paranoia. I worry about just about any and everything and it’s been impossible for me to ever really relax. Why? Because over time, I’ve managed to convince myself that any and every bad thing that’s ever happened to me and hurt me was my fault and I believe that if I have more control over what’s going on around me, I can not be hurt again. No, it doesn’t always work out for me. In fact, sometimes I get myself into some deep waters. But this way of thinking and acting has been the way that I’ve operated and it’s given me enough results that I stuck with it til it became habit.

Now that I’ve begun to swim deeper into my faith, I’m realizing that it’s time that I stop trying to control my life out of fear, and give it over to God. Not only for my own happiness and peace, but so that I am in a better position for Him to use me. Maybe I won’t even have to speak so much to those around me because I will become a walking example of what I preach. I just don’t really know how to give Him more control. I don’t know how to live without believing I’m in control. And I’m almost afraid of what that feels like. I endured these feelings for about a month before and it was nightmarish for me. I will say, though, that towards the end of it all, I did have a small amount of peace. That’s probably the only time in my life that I was able to allow myself to be happy, despite what was happening around me. Even then, my anxiety was higher than ever and whenever my happy-high would wear off, I’d remember that I was living in a bad dream and I’d have small panic attacks.

I don’t even believe, or want to believe, that that’s what life is like when you give it over to God. At the same time, I just don’t really know what to do. I’ve been trying to retrace my steps back to the last word I got from Him because maybe if I pick up where we left off, I’ll be back on track. I also realize that perhaps I need to just ask him to help me to submit and turn over my life to Him.

Wish me luck~

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