Looking for myself | Life Update


I can not believe the summer is going by so fast. In fact, I actually feel pretty indifferent when I consider it. This summer has been the most relaxing summer I’ve had. I learned so much about myself this past year, but especially over the past couple of months and I’m finally getting to the point in my life that I so desperately sought after. I am actually enjoying where I am in my life at this very moment. It could be because I’ve isolated myself from most people on most days, it could be that a break from school has allowed me to reset, it could be because I’m actually doing things that I enjoy and that make me feel fulfilled. Whatever the reason is, I’m truly appreciating this time.

I’ve spent almost every day since the semester ended getting to know myself, especially in light of my recent break-up. I’ve had to ask myself some serious questions about who I am, what I want, and what I don’t like about myself. The women’s bible study group I’ve joined has also forced me to identify my false idols that are leading me into this darkness that was taking over my life only a couple of months ago. Finding the answers to all of these and actually being honest with myself has given me such a great feeling of peace. I also found a YouTube channel that inspired and empowered me to shamelessly be who I am, like what I like, and want the things I want in a man. I’ve decided to focus on more of the things that I enjoy and that I’m good at and just forget about anything else. Before now, I restricted myself pretty often based on what other people might have to say about my pursuit of what makes me happy.

For once, I am content with my singleness and simultaneously still very interested in dating. I used to either fester in loneliness and hope to find a partner ASAP, or I’d tell myself that dating was a chore and men were a burden to make myself believe I didn’t actually want to be in a relationship. Depriving myself of what I really wanted would just drive me back into loneliness and I’d end up on this never ending cycle of disappointment. But like I said, I am shamelessly being my true self now and I’m not going to lie to myself or anyone else about what it is that I want. Thinking of all of the good parts of having a partner softened my heart again to the idea of love and I can honestly say that I enjoyed dating. I don’t want to go back into a hiatus, nor do I believe I really need to. I know now that dating can be a very rewarding experience when done very intentionally and patiently, which was how I sort of felt (I could’ve been more patient) when I met my most recent ex and why this relationship was the best dating experience I’ve had in years.

So, I say all of this to say that within the next six months I am going to intentionally put myself out there on the market again. I don’t really have any expectations, although the idea that it’s gonna be really tough for me to find a man who is able and willing to move with me next year is hanging over my head. I realized that 30 is just a few years away and if I’m still single, I’d much rather it be because I haven’t found the right man yet rather than because I spent my late 20’s avoiding dating all together.

Besides that, my decision to pursue what I love has been so fulfilling and motivating. I’ve got several projects that I am working on, including an ebook, and some are near completion. I am curious to know how I’ll maintain this positive outlook once the semester starts, but somehow I’m not worried. Something tells me that if I keep surrendering to God, removing and not concerning myself with people who don’t contribute anything good to my life, and going after my passion, then I’ll be just fine.

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