The Answers That Don’t Exist | What Now

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First, I want to say that as of today, I’ve got about 299 days- 9 months, til I graduate and I’m elated. I’ve spent far too much of my time day-dreaming about the changes that I’d like to have in my life after graduation. I look forward to gaining my full independence, settling in one place for some years, and getting my own place (with a kitty!). I’ve even made a habit of searching for apartments and houses online. Surprisingly enough, counting down the days actually isn’t making the time go by slower either. But back to what I really want to write about here.

I’m always in pursuit of answers. It’s just my nature. I’ve been this way since I was a child. When something sparks my interest, I love to search in books and the internet for an answer and I always seek something that I can call concrete. However, as I go deeper into my adulthood, I’m finding that a lot of the questions that I have about life don’t actually have a concrete answer. When I was a kid, I wanted to know why the sky was blue and how bubble bath made such big bubbles. But questions like “what’s worth compromising on in a relationship” and “how will I know if I’m fulfilling my life’s purpose” aren’t so simple.

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As I’ve pondered my thoughts recently, a thought popped into my mind. A lot of the questions that I have don’t actually have “an answer”. There’s no person that I can ask that can give me all of the right answers. There’s no forum that I can search. In fact, many of the questions I’ve got can only be answered by me. It’s changed the way that I’m approaching things in my life lately, especially with my recent epiphany, that I should stop trying to get life “right” and be “perfect”. I’ve made more of an effort to do things without having “the answer” and just trusting God with the outcome. I can feel myself slowly taking a step (just a step) out of my comfort zone, as I make it a habit to do what feels right in my spirit. (Versus doing what I’ve deemed to be “logically” right based on what someone else said, wrote, or experienced.)

I’m getting ready to enter a new chapter of my life and I’ve got so many questions because I just want to do it right. I want to end up happy and at peace and sometimes I just feel like I’ve got to find the person or people who got “life right” and get their take on every step I make. I’m so nervous about the new journey that I’m about to embark on because the path I’m on isn’t typical. I’m so worried that I’ll mess up. It doesn’t help that I can almost feel the negative energy from those who know my plans for the future and are waiting to get news that I’ve messed up.

Perhaps that’s my problem though, huh? I’m looking at “messing up” from the wrong perspective. Set backs and screw ups are an essential component of growth. I’ve got to remember that more often. There’s a song called Angel City Gamble that motivates me so much when I worry about stuff like this..

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Motivational lyrics from 2 of my favorite songs:

You can say anything you want to me. I won’t let you in this time. Cause dreams are never achieved without making mistakes.” – A Feast for Kings

Risk! It! All! Do not fear the failures! Stay clear from the trails of the heard! This time, time will not be wasted! And if you fall stay determined to stand!” – As Blood Runs Black

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