It sucks to say, but I’ve gained weight. It sucks to say because when I start to gain weight, I get afraid of losing control. I worry that I am losing control of my ability to control my eating, my fitness level, and my life.
It probably sounds really dramatic, I know. Seriously? This girl gains a few pounds and thinks her life is spiraling out of control? How immature!
I get it. Even I have to remind myself that I’ve made a lot of progress and that I am able to lose weight at any time. In fact, it usually comes easier to me in the warm season and when I decide to focus on my health. I’ve never not been able to lose weight when I tried to.
My fears are what tend to hold me back in life. Whether its fitness, my career, or my relationships with people. I’ve allowed fear to infiltrate me to the core, which is why I suffer from severe social anxiety. It’s been an uphill fight, but I am fighting it.
I worry so much that I’m going to just get so big that I’ll lose my mobility and thus, miss out on my dreams and aspirations. Or I worry that my weight is the cause of my health issues and that it’ll be the cause of them worsening in the future. I just see losing/maintaining weight as an undefeatable antagonist. Making healthy food choices is so hard because I either don’t have the time, money, knowledge, or access to the “right” foods. Not to mention I wasn’t raised with the concept of portion control, so I feel quite sure that I eat far too much food in one sitting.
So what’s the solution? That’s where I am currently. How can I make time to exercise, eat right, and manage my emotions, when I’ve got to earn a living and support myself? I don’t know yet, but I’m sure I’ll find out soon.