After some recent sad events, I’ve been questioning myself a lot. It seems like just a couple of weeks ago I was riding through life on “cruise” mode, but as soon as things got a little hectic I jumped on the brakes and grabbed the wheel. It’s uncomfortable, if I’m being honest. The time that I spent cruising through life was the first time that I have felt free in a long time. I wasn’t concerned too much with anything. Not work or school, nothing. I just told myself it’ll all work out the way God intends and I solely focused on my part- which was to just keep doing my best. One forced kiss, verbal altercation, and academic situation later and I’m back where I started. Struggling to navigate through life on terms that I set out of self-preservation.
In the midst of finding my way back to peace, I decided to do some searching through the articles on one of my favorite sites, tinybuddha.com and I came across this well-written, thought provoking article that I’d like to share along with my personal response to it.
The author begins by stating that at the age of 25, he/she had what most of us would call “it all”. Marriage, a great job, etc… All the things I’ve convinced myself that I should have right now at 25. Yet, at that same time the author also entered into depression and anxiety. How is it that one can have “it all” and still feel empty inside? I ask myself this all the time when well-known celebrities or non-famous people that I know of commit suicide. They say money isn’t the key to happiness, but it’s also incredibly difficult to be happy when you’re impoverished and living from paycheck to paycheck. You can’t even spend time with your family or enjoy your life because you’re spending all of your moments working for pennies.
Much like the author though, I can agree that a large part of this feeling is due to not really knowing who you are or what you want. Let’s be honest here, society is not set up for that type of growth and thinking. We are taught from childhood the paths that are out there and those of us who dare to dream big are usually shut down immediately.
Question 1: What or who would you be if you knew you couldn’t fail?
I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve really put much thought into this question before now. Truth be told, if I thought I couldn’t fail then I’d probably be a Japanese teacher. I’d also do freelance projects as a health program coordinator, aiding organizations in the creation of events geared towards improving the quality of life for an impoverished community. Along with those two, I’d throw baby showers for pregnant women who are alone and I’d also be a mother already.
So let’s break this down, starting with my very last response because it’s the most important to me.
Become a Mother
I strongly believe that I was put on this planet to nurture, love, and guide other people. I am especially drawn being a parent to a child, whether the child is biologically mine or not. Even if my role is from the sidelines, as an additional guardian to a child being raised by someone else. (It takes a village to raise a child anyway, right?) Truth be told, if I was 100% sure that I could do it successfully, I’d go get pregnant right now. (The only reason I didn’t say adoption is because it’s much harder to do.)
So what does that mean for me?
Be a Freelance Program Coordinator
In general, I don’t see myself in a 9 to 5 position for my whole life. Nor do I see myself in a suit every day. Life is so much more valuable than just working and if I had the family support system to allow it, I’d be working to get my freelance career going as someone who assists/leads in the creation and evaluation of health programs. The overall goal would be to improve the quality of life for a specific group of people in despair.
Throw Baby Showers
This one might sound silly but hear me out. One of the darkest times of my life was when I was pregnant. What made it worse was the idea that I couldn’t celebrate bringing life into this world. In my mind, I felt that this mindset already would’ve automatically handicapped my child and I didn’t think it would’ve been fair to be born into such negativity. I’d cry at night knowing that I could have this child and the days leading up to their arrival would be filled with grief- already labeling them as a mistake. Since then, I’ve always felt this soft-spot for expecting mothers who were alone or felt alone. If someone I know becomes pregnant and isn’t completely happy with the situation, I gladly offer my support. If a woman is going to bring a new life into this world, that person should be celebrated. They should be born into light and happiness, not darkness and a solemn mood. If I were to take this route in life, I’d probably also want to start a support group of some sort to offer mental health help and friendship.
Since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to share the Japanese language with everyone around me because it made me so happy. I’ve also been asked several times by people I know if I can teach/tutor them in Japanese and I feel saddened when I can’t. I always wish that I had my own course or well-developed website that I could simply direct people to so that I could share with them what is one of my greatest passions. Plus, if I’m being completely honest, I sort of enjoy teaching (when it’s a subject I enjoy).
I don’t even know what any of this means for me, if I’m being honest, which is why I wanted to write it out here and maybe take some time to meditate on it for a few days. Ultimately, does that make these things my passions? Should I be following them? And what about my desire to be a mother??
*Sidenote, there’s a YouTuber that really inspired me with her decision to have a child on her own. I don’t know the method she used to get pregnant, but she’s much younger than me and she seems to be fulfilled. Of course, I know better than to believe everything I see online, but I’d picture myself feeling extremely fulfilled if I were to become a mother.