Well, the past few weeks… No, the past few months have been incredibly strange. I’ve been unable to use any other words to describe this journey to self discovery because it’s incredibly rare that I reach this point.
A year ago, I wrote on this blog that I was coming to terms with the fact that my “dream job” was leaving my unfulfilled. Having a supernatural epiphany that I am meant to be a teacher was not the direction I expected my life to go in. What’s crazier is that I am not meant to just be a teacher, but my calling is to be an elementary school teacher. What makes me so sure? Well, I’ve never felt like I belonged, felt so fulfilled, and felt so motivated about work before- ever. Not even at my “dream job”.
I have been learning so much about myself. Somehow, children became one of my “missing puzzle pieces” and I’ve unlocked parts of my personality that I never knew existed. As I am slowly etching away at defining myself, I find that I’ve got a bad case of Impostor Syndrome and it’s affecting my life in many ways. It’s almost like I am afraid to completely transform into who I’m meant to become because I’m afraid that the proverbial “they” will strip me of my title and deem me a “failure”.
I love art about as much as I love science. I create about as much as I study science. I’ve made a profit off of my artistic abilities about as much as I’ve made a profit off of my extensive knowledge of scientific facts. Yet, I am afraid to label myself “artist” and eager to label myself “scientist”. It doesn’t stop at art, though. I’ve been writing on this blog for nearly two years and I’ve also been a creative writer since I was a child. Yet, I don’t want to call myself a writer.
Not feeling secure in my identity makes me take paths that aren’t meant for me. I don’t go after what it is that I truly want, be it an artistic career, writing a book, becoming a Japanese teacher, or dating the men that I truly see myself with. Instead, I go after the things that align with the image that I am telling myself that others are “projecting” onto me. I’m celebrating my birthday this week and I’m even struggling to do that because I am having a hard time believing that I’m someone who should be celebrated.
However, since learning my passion for educating and positively impacting elementary school children, I have aligned myself with that passion, and I feel a sense of fulfillment I’ve never felt before. I believe that this feeling is available to me on a massive scale, if I would just have faith in the woman I know I can be.