Dear 9 year old me
You’re not a bad child, you’re just a child. You do childish things for childish reasons. You’re so smart and so ambitious and someone should really tell you this more often. It doesn’t matter if most of the kids don’t want to play with you. You don’t have to be sad about it, especially because there are at least a couple of girls who like playing with you. There’s nothing wrong with you and the people that don’t like you, don’t like you because they’re just fucked up people. Spend more time on your arts and crafts, sweetie. Better days are headed your way for sure, just wait on it. You are a gift to this world and you are so important. Find your happy place and stay there, sweet baby girl.
Dear 12 year old me
You’ve got too many emotions bottled up and you need to find a healthy way to let them out. You’ve spent so many years, that were meant to be carefree, trying to understand what you did to deserve the treatment you get from others and it’s time to stop. There’s someone in your life that you are seeking something unrealistic from. Write it in a letter and rip it up. Telling you to “hold on and be strong” is so much easier said than done at this point, so I’ll say this; you are not a screw up, nor a mistake. Believe it or not, every single person who made you feel like you were will take it back. There is a God who, not only is on your side, but he’s got grand plans for you that you can’t even imagine. Keep focusing on your art and your daily Japanese studies.
Dear 15 year old me
You have to learn to love yourself, first. Love isn’t a boy having his way with your mind and body. And Christianity isn’t based on the behavior of the “Christians” who hurt you. You’ve got a void inside of you and you need Healing before you lose control. Join a sports team to manage your anxiety and spend some of your money investing in a children’s study bible (for the answers you’re currently searching for). At this point, I can understand why you’ve given up. It may seem like there’s no one out there who can help you, but there are; you just have to be patient and look a little harder for them. Also, one last thing, put more energy into your academics. A college scholarship would be the “ticket out” of where you are now.
Dear 17 year old me
I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through the things that you have. No one else is going to tell you this, but the things that have happened to you shouldn’t have and they were not okay. The first thing you need to do to heal, is get rid of your lose ends. The boys that say they care about you, don’t care at all. Verbal, physical, and sexual abuse is not “caring”, even if he apologizes after every time. Get rid of the boys, stop smoking, and stop drinking before you hurt yourself. It may seem like it’s too late for you, but it’s not. The best thing you can do for yourself is invest some of your money into self-help books and a good bible. Take the next few months, until college starts, to get yourself together. You need to learn who you are ASAP because baby giiiiirl…! If only you knew!
Dear 19 year old me
Joining the military provided you with the perfect opportunity to regain some control over your life. You now have access to all of the resources you need to begin healing, all you have to do is ask. The soldiers around you are not the people you’ve grown up around. Stop projecting the persona of your antagonists onto them. They are your brothers and sisters in arms, but they’re also people, and behaving hostile towards them will push them away.
You need help baby girl and you need to cut ties with the people in your past, once and for all. Delete all of your social media, stay away from guys, and focus on finding the woman you’re meant to be. She’s deep within you, but you can’t sense her because you’re almost never sober.
I forgive you.
You have become such an amazing woman and I’m so proud of you. Yes, the path you were set on was rocky. You made choices out of fear and self-preservation and they weren’t always the best. However, you did what you needed to do to survive and believe it or not, you’re not the only one on this planet with a background like your own. You learned to adapt. And when you made the choice to try to live a better life, you stuck to it. You got back up each and every time the enemy knocked you down. You even started a relationship with Christ, which has totally transformed you from the inside out.
Don’t beat yourself up for the mistakes you’ve made and for not being where you feel that you “should be”. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel like you “can’t” just because of who you were and what you’ve done. Don’t let anyone dim the Light within you. Get back up when you stumble and keep on shining.
A song that got me through the tough times:
I know that what’s in front of me
Is a reflection of what is inside of me
I see that I need to be myself
‘Cause it’s so lonely in the eyes of someone else
I feel, oh how I feel
Yeah I feel and I always will
I starve to live free from fear
To free myself before I disappear
I am forever more than just surviving
This is my life and this life is my diamond