2019 was the year that I received the closure that I needed the most. All of my behaviors, my phobias, my fears were rooted in the experiences during my childhood that changed the way that I functioned as a person. No matter how old I became, I always thought back to that little misunderstood girl who didn’t deserve the pain that was handed to her. I based a lot of my choices on the vows that I made to her to protect her.
Have you ever heard of a movie called Sybil? It’s a movie about a woman who is traumatized during her childhood years by her mother. She develops multiple personality disorder as a way to protect her inner damaged child, while simultaneously living out her life. At the end of the movie, she has to meet that child in order to truly move on. That’s the moment I needed to happen too. I needed to meet my inner child and tell her how far we’ve come- how far she’s come. My therapist urged me to reconnect the strings that attached me to what I referred to as “my former self” and the hardest version of myself for me to do this with was the child.
2018 ended on a bitter-sweet note. Sweet because I was home, in Japan. Bitter because I had no money (I explained in a previous post what was going on with my job). As I began to venture outside of my comfort zone to earn money, I found myself working in education. I hated it initially, but as time went on, something amazing happened. I met her.
She wasn’t just a little girl though. I could see my former self in all of my kids, boys and girls alike. I could see the pain, the anxiety, the curiosity, the innocence… and I realized that I was gifted a second chance to make things right. The job that I initially hated became the first job I woke up happy to attend every day. I poured myself into my children, especially my “behavior children” who were hurting on the inside from the circumstances that they were unfortunately born into. I was a role-model to the little girls and boys who had no idea of who they could become. I stood up for the children who were bullied and I made it a point to show my kids that being different is ok. Everywhere I went, I made sure to pour life into my children- even my (mentally) strenuous bunch of 5th graders.
I heard a whisper in my heart one day, “you can move on now”. I had my Sybil moment where I met my childhood self. I hugged her. I told her that it would be alright in the end. I comforted her. I gave her permission to enjoy the rest of her life. I set her free.
And I mean this in the best way; I have not been the same ever since.