Sometimes, I feel like my life is just a long scenario where I’m running from a vicious animal that’s trying to kill me.
Sigh. I know. What a way to start a post after being gone for… weeks? A month? Anyway, so much has been going on these days. I feel like I say that a lot. In fact, sometimes I question whether a lot is actually going on or if it’s all in my head. Some days I feel confident and excited about the future, other days it’s just bleak. Some days I feel supported, other days I’m reliving the past- alone, homeless, living off of scraps. I know I’ve got to lean hard into my faith during times like this because I’ve gone through worse and God carried me through. He got me through having $12 a week for food, mentally unstable, and being jobless. My current conditions are nothing like the past, so I really shouldn’t worry.
Some of my worries are just about the future in general. I’m afraid of having to settle for less. I mean, I feel like I’m running away from reality like it’s some vicious animal. I worry that I’m going to get trapped in a job, doing something that doesn’t make me feel fulfilled. That I’m going to get trapped in a relationship with someone who isn’t right for me and won’t appreciate me. That I’m going to just end up on the same hamster wheel everyone else does.
I think about Neo when he was offered the red pill or the blue pill. If you disconnect from the Matrix, you will live in a world that is much different from everyone else. You get to live in reality, while everyone else gets to live in a day dream. On one hand, you’re free and you get to make the most out of your life. On the other hand, the path less traveled looks dismal. Was he crazy for choosing to unplug and live in reality? For accepting all the consequences that came with that choice? I mean, he did end up turning into a badass, ass-kicking, bullet-dodging protagonist in the end.
That’s what I want to do. Unplug, find my path, and pop back up dodging bullets in slow-mo.