Between the pandemic and my own anxiety, I’ve been in my feelings. Even though I’m already a hermit, I feel more alone now than ever before. It has forced me to think about my life and who I’ve become. About 3 years ago, I realized that the gratification I felt after working hard on things like projects and assignments was the feeling I was missing in my personal relationships with people. It’s likely that I was expecting constant gratification from others in my life because I never felt like I could get it from my mom. The feeling I’d have after busting my chops on a project, seeing my work, and even having my work recognized by others- it made me feel whole. So that what I focused all of my energy on.
As time went on, relationships with people were placed on the back-burner. People disappointed me. They could never be exactly who I (felt I) needed, when I needed them to be. I could never be who they needed me to be. I couldn’t trust Continue reading “Confessions of A Workaholic”
From August of 2016 until August of 2019 I had a solid plan. I had a vision. I knew where I wanted to be and I was excited to find out what was drawing my heart there. I devoted myself to my goal as much as I knew how to. I told everyone that I was going to do it and the final months leading up to it, I started to prepare and brace myself.
Then, August of 2019 came to an end and took my dream with it. It was like watching someone take your most prized possession and tossing it into a grinding garbage disposal. I cried. I grieved. I isolated myself from everyone. I prayed. Everyone told me that I needed to just face what was in front of me; some even suggesting that my dream was never meant to come true in the first place. My heart was shattered into pieces and I didn’t trust bringing it to anyone for revival- not even God. Continue reading “Is This the Worst-Case Scenario | Life Update”
I wasn’t sure about whether or not I’d continue blogging here after graduation because of how many different things I had going on at once. It was like life was raining lemons and skittles in intervals, sending my mood on the worst blindfolded rollercoaster and making life Continue reading “Back to Blogging |Finding My Way Home”
2019 was the year that I received the closure that I needed the most. All of my behaviors, my phobias, my fears were rooted in the experiences during my childhood that changed the way that I functioned as a person. No matter how old I became, I always thought back to that little misunderstood girl who didn’t deserve the pain that was handed to her. I based a lot of my choices on the vows that I made to her to protect her.
Have you ever heard of a Continue reading “How I Travelled Back In Time”
When I was a young girl, I read a book about a country called “Japan” and when I finished the book, I knew I’d be moving there someday. Honestly, I had no “real” reason to believe in that idea. I didn’t speak Japanese, I didn’t know any Japanese people, I didn’t have any access to Japan, and I’m black- which means the thought alone could cause me to be further rejected by my own people. Yet somehow, with the odds stacked against me, I still pursued this dream. Child-like faith is a type of faith that I’m learning to go back to, if I truly want to be successful. My dreams often feel just as far away as they did back then, but as a child, I didn’t need evidence to continue chasing after my goals when things got tough. Continue reading “How to Avoid Giving Up On Your Dreams”
At the end of September, I posted that I was taking a short break from writing in order to focus on other things.
Other things included my upcoming graduation next month and my absolutely pointless courseload, studying Japanese, posting more content on my other platforms, improving my quality of life, acquiring a post-graduation job, and the list goes on. So much has changed and the past few months have been absolute hell. Looking back, I predicted this in my diary over the summer. I just knew that there was no way I’d get to glide my way through the finish line. So let me be transparent and catch you up. Continue reading “A Lot Has Changed”
There are a few things that I’ve been trying to do for years now. My longest-standing unaccomplished goal is to move to Japan. My shortest, but still 3-year-strong, has been to lose a specific amount of weight. In between sits goals like growing my hair to the middle of my back, passing the JLPT N2, getting married, and starting a successful business. It’s so easy for me to say that I’ve tried “everything”, but haven’t had any success. Honestly, it seriously feels like I have. But the fact is- I haven’t tried “everything” yet.
Last year, I started listening to Continue reading “When You’ve Tried “Everything””