31 Day Fail

So, my 30 day challenge is already in the garbage… and now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to accomplish my other goals for next year. It sounds really awful but I am honestly feeling this way.

I’m finally here for my long-awaited vacation and my emotions have been so mixed. It could be hormonal but… well let’s start by talking about my challenge that I mentioned in an earlier post. Part of the reason why I even wanted to do the challenge was because starting later this month or early next month, I wanted to begin studying for the JLPT. My plan was to spend at least 1 hour in the morning and possibly 30 minutes in the afternoon studying. By working on this challenge prior to studying for the exam, I was supposed to be creating the habit of getting up and spending this time studying. Unfortunately, the challenge turned out to be a bit… difficult for me. I would sit down to write and quickly get hung up on words and grammar. Along with that, I’ve already had my first dispute since I’ve been here and I got so frustrated when I thought I could not understand what the store clerk was saying to me. Ultimately, I argued well and understood him quite perfectly, but in that moment, I questioned myself. Can I really speak Japanese when it matters? I’ve been studying the language for more than half of my life and I’m tripping up on it while trying to express my emotions to a simple store clerk. Doubting myself has really managed to make me fall behind and it does not feel good.

So, I took today “off”. Sure, I’m on vacation but I’ve been trying to beat jetlag by getting up and keeping busy. It’s been working pretty well for me so far but I’m ready now to take a break and clear my mind. I’m very serious about my language goals because they’re truly the catalyst to my other goals. If I could just go to a language school and call it a day, I would. But I can’t. It seems that, just before I am able to do something good, I have to work especially hard to prove how bad I want it.

I can see the light!

Oh! Oh! Oh!!!!!

I had a little thought pop into my head today. For once, I am on a new path. I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was in…!

Ok, I have to slow down. So, today I took my last difficult exam for the semester (besides finals) and I know I passed it! Now… I don’t know that I passed it with the grade I want, but ultimately, I know that I am going to pass this class. I’m going to pass all of my classes, and I’m actually expecting to remain on the Dean’s List. But… oh where was I going with this…?

Oh! So, I was walking to my car and I was thinking about how long I’ve been doing this college thing. And then it hit me.. I have 3 semesters left. So what if I’ve been doing this for so long. THIS is a point that I’ve never gotten to. I’ve never gotten down to the last 1.5 years of college. I’ve never been able to say, in 1 year I’m moving to Japan. But right now, I can say it. The overwhelming amount of joy that hit me from this made me take a look at myself and I realized that I’m finally moving forward.

This was an amazing realization for me and I’m really proud of myself. I feel like I can actually see the light. I’m so close to being where I want to be.

BURNED OUT

Oh. My. Gosh.

I did not know that the end of the semester could feel this miserable.

I am aware that part of these feelings are just because I am still dealing with the recent event that I endured and I’m shaking off those emotions. However, another part of it is DEFINITELY burn-out. I am just so darn tired of studying. Tired of flipping through these darn books. I’m tired of going to certain classes that I think aren’t benefit me. I guess the “issue” could also be the strong anticipation I’m having right now for my winter vacation. I’m just over it.

I know I’ve got to stop saying things like “I’m tired” of this and “done with” that. It’s not good. It’s just a bunch of negative energy that I end up allowing into my life. I’m just not exactly in my happy place these days and it’s made worse by all of these end of the semester shenanigans. But you know what, to end this on a positive note:

  • I am healthy
  • I am safe
  • I am on track to graduate ON TIME
  • I am in excellent academic standing
  • I have 3 days of class left
  • I’m finally feeling positive feelings about work again
  • I have a very large, loving support system

So yeah, the future is bright. I have got to start thinking about this when those negative thoughts try creeping into my head. I’m already trying to overcome this by thanking God for every, tiny or large, blessing I have- first thing in the morning.

Everything is going to work out great…!

Oh, and soon I will be flooding my wonderful blog with posts. I’m so excited. I’ve got some ideas and projects that I want to share and work on during my upcoming free time. Included in that is definitely fixing up this blog!

Mid-term blues

Ah yes… my dear blog. It’s been some time. Life has been beating me to a pulp, so I haven’t actually published anything (although I have created many, many drafts). But here I am…!

I might be depressed about other aspects of my life, but I’m NOT depressed about my academic works. Despite that I have not being giving myself a well-deserved pat on the back, I have truly been excelling. Somehow, I’ve managed to truly put all of my energy into my academics and I gotta say, the fruits of my labor are sweet. This was the first year that I was not worried about mid-terms and I am still not worried about finals. I’m so happy to be able to say that! Now, I’ve just got to push through this final 30 something days and be sure to finish STRONG. I’ve got so many things I want to write on my blog, many things I want to record for my vlog, and I am really interested in making my blog look nicer. I’m hoping that when the semester ends I can work on these things. I’m anticipating that around this time next month, I will be VERY active and I will be posting often.

So, see you then~