Is it strange for me to admit that my life really hasn’t been the same since the walk I took by the grave? My thoughts have been slightly clearer, my anxiety has gone down, and I feel like I’ve grabbed fear by its horns for once in my life.
That’s not to say that I’ve defeated fear at all, but I’m fighting back suddenly. Also, I’ve been thinking very hard on whether or not I should leave my job once and for all. The majority of me says to just let it go, but the part of me that lives by logic says to stay. Because it’s a good job and I am paid good money… but some how that just doesn’t matter that much to me. I’ve asked myself if I am ungrateful or if I even deserve to have a job, but I realized those questions and their answers are irrelevant to my quest.
Wow, January went by incredibly slow. 😅 Despite that I didn’t really start class until the second week, and there was snow that caused me to have nearly a week off, January seemed to drag on by. February doesn’t seem like it’s going to go that way though. I’ve begun to really buckle down at work and take it seriously. Meanwhile, I’ve changed my perspective and attitude towards my classes and things are going great. My walk with God is still mysterious, rewarding, and so exciting and I am generally looking forward to the future. My never ending quest for inner happiness is equally as mysterious and rewarding I think. I’m really figuring myself out these days and finding new shortcomings.
I’ve taken a step back from my social media accounts and I’ve also changed some personal “beliefs” I had. One in particular was the nail craze and my thoughts towards makeup. I’ve actually decided to let long nails go. I’m a lady who was meant to have short nails I think. Plus, long nails come with too much baggage! I’ve been taking much better care of my skin, but I’ve also decided to wear neutral makeup just a little more often.
As far as Japanese goes… well… it goes in the “dissapointed” bucket along with working out and dieting. I’ve hardly kept up with my 50 words per week and its unacceptable. It seems like for every bit of myself that I clean up, another little bit unravels. I have not kept up with my reading goals and my time management has been ridiculous. I’m wondering what I need to do to get myself on track and the main thought that comes to my mind is that I should probably start spending more time at school, in the library. And speaking of school, questions of my career have come and gone too. A part of me has been trying to come to grips with the fact that I may not actually work in this field that study. Another part of me doesn’t care, as long as I satisfy what it really is that I am looking to accomplish in this life. Money and a job are simply tools I plan to use to build something much greater. The job could be almost anything. Plus my beliefs about what I think of as “boundless” success have me feeling quite secure.
Honestly though, I am sort of hoping that February zooms by. I just want to hurry up and enter my senior year of uni!
Let’s go February!!
A goal of mine for the new year is to read more often. I had not yet decided that the material must be a book, nor have I specified the language that the content should be in. I’m still thinking it through and one idea that keeps popping up in my mind is that I should write summaries of what I read (especially if it is an article online). In a way, I am intimidated so much by this kind of idea that I question if I hate myself. On the other hand, I see it as an amazing opportunity to fulfill a goal. I did say that I wanted to read more and I also decided that my other 2018 hobby will be writing on my blog… I can’t make a commitment to it yet, but I am really hoping to fill up this blog with summaries and JLPT notes soon.
2018 is here. Despite what many people may think, the world really does keep revolving and time really will not stop for any of us. It’s amazing to think of where I was 10 years ago… how far I’ve come. I wonder what I’ll be thinking (and hopefully writing here) in 2028 about 2018.
I’m looking forward to this New Year and I am so grateful that I was blessed with the opportunity to make another year better than the last.
This might sound strange but I really like this photo. It has been accurate when used to describe my emotions.
Ah yes. Instead of studying for the JLPT, I am going to write a blog post about an unrelated topic.
I managed to climb all the way down from the ledge today when an anxiety attack smacked me across the head. I sort of knew that something was up when I tried speaking and I kept mispronouncing my words. Then came uncertainty of myself, tunnel vision, appetite loss and finally rapid heart beat. Standing on a ledge is truly the best way to describe this feeling. It’s like suddenly, at rapid speed, I’m re-evaluating nearly everything I’ve ever done as if the end is near. And then a little thought floated across my mind to think about the future instead of the present or past. It was as if the drain plug had been pulled out and the flood that I was going to drown in is now slowly emptying out. The worst part is how easily I am triggered. It doesn’t take much for my mind to go into this mode. But either way, I will not let this consume me.
I’m not only happy to have coping mechanisms handy now to stop me from doing things I’d later regret, but I am also happy to have the outlook I have now on the future. Anxiety is clearly not quite ready to let go of my life and I am glad to know ways to fight it off.
For a long time now, I’ve wanted to get some henna done. I want to get henna on my right hand and chest so that I can think of how I might look if I got additional tattoos there. Honestly, I think that tattoos look really nice depending on the location and quality. My favorite tattoos are hands, chest, ankles, and arms. I always hoped to be able to have nice tattoos on my right hand some day. I don’t know why I like it so much, but I just do. 😄 Hopefully in 2018 I can finally get some henna and uhh… I can’t speak too soon but a new tattoo may appear