I went out for lunch with a younger friend of mine last week. She is preparing to enter university and her youth makes me wonder where all of mine is going. Sure, I’m young and she’s only about 6 or 7 years younger than me, but she’s more youthful and not burdened by adulthood like I am. I felt moved with joy by her excitement about the future and I wanted to give her some advice to preserve that. Advice that I really wish someone had given me. I told her to make sure she’s always focused on graduating and to make everything she does in college revolve around that event. I explained to her that, before now, I wasn’t really thinking of how my actions would affect my graduation timeline and now I really, really regret my actions. And as I spoke to her, I realized two things about myself. I actually think that it’s too late for me and I am not currently always taking the very advice I was giving her.
I know that I sometimes consciously think and even state that I feel like I’m too late. Too late to graduate college, to follow my dreams, to get married someday, to become a mom some day… etc. That’s not true! I know it’s not true, but I obviously don’t believe that. I found myself speaking with my friend as if I was 99 years old, giving advice from my death bed. I don’t believe in myself the way that I should, but I’m so good at tricking myself into thinking that I do. Then later, my lack of confidence shows in the things that I say or do… I’m really happy to say that I’m in a time in my life where I actually recognize that I’m this way because it gives me the opportunity to work on this mindset and getting rid of it. Perhaps my new mantra for the month will be “it’s not too late for me”.
I also pondered on whether or not I am currently focusing on graduating. I mean, I put energy into rushing graduation, that’s for sure, but am I actually putting fourth the right amount of energy to be sure that it’s going to happen? I focus so much on being “grown” or working to sustain a certain lifestyle (because I have too much pride to ask my parents for money), that I don’t really stop to think before I do something- will this push my graduation timeline back? Even coming to the school that I am currently enrolled at was a decision I made without really considering my timeline. And when I started at this school, I certainly was focused on everything but my actual graduation date. These days, I’m rushing to finish to make up for what I missed and I never stopped to think of how rushing will actually hold me back. I took so many credit hours, along with working, last semester and this semester that I got burned out and even had to drop a class.
Why is it so much easier to put myself down, give up, and forget the future? What’s that all about? And how can I do a better job and continuing to move forward with my life… or at least stop going in reverse so often?
Since I started this blog, I’ve said that I know that I have to find my own way. The summer is almost hear and the semester is dragging out so slowly. It seems that every other day is one filled with some more of mental anguish, yet I am continuing on. I look forward to giving my mind a break soon, though. I’ve got to take my own advice, which I have been doing somewhat recently, and only focus on what propels me forward.