I’ll probably end up writing several posts the revolve around this topic instead of one large one.
A year ago from today, I couldn’t have anticipated the things would unfold the way that they did. The last 12 months have been like nothing I’ve experienced before and I’ve learned so much. The academic year started off with Continue reading →
To go or not to go… that is the question… right? As an adult who really wasn’t that interested in going to college as a teen, but still went, I might have a balanced perspective on the matter for those who are contemplating going (or forcing their kids to/not to go). Continue reading →
I met a young woman named Laura last weekend. She was on the riverwalk, where I had been sitting and praying, taking photos. Continue reading →
The depths of my mind used to be a place that I was afraid to visit. It was dark and filled to its capacity with bad thoughts and nightmarish versions of all my memories. I’ve slowly sorted through the thoughts in there and I’ve emptied out much of the trash ones. I’m still questioning just about everything I thought I knew about myself and my beliefs. Today, while pondering the typical college student thoughts of “what will I do when I graduate”, I realized something. I don’t want to do what I’m doing now. Just typing that feels so bad…
What if the job that I always considered to be my “childhood dream” isn’t really the job that I want to do? For a normal person, this is probably a ridiculous and simple question. Of course the job you thought you wanted to do as a child is not the job that you want to do now! Well… it’s not that simple for me. For a long time, I held on to my inner child. As if I froze her in the moment that I began to dislike my childhood, only to revisit her when I became an adult and give her all of the things she wished she had emotionally and physically. It’s been very difficult for me to realize that the child has grown up and no longer requires to be taken care of in this way, but it’s been a work in progress. At a time, I tailored my life to revolve around her. I played with toys, bought books I used to read as a child, and even listened to some music that she liked. I got past almost all of it, but I’m learning that there are still some things that I think and do that are soley based on this inner child that I am working to get rid of. Today’s epiphany was just another hurdle that I think I am ready to overcome. I’m starting to realize that my dream of becoming a laboratory scientist may not be the actual route that I want to take. I do love science and I enjoy my job, but I am being forced to accept the fact that it is just not what I want to do for a career and that that’s OK. When I think of myself pursuing a different career, I almost feel as if I’ve let someone down.
As far as my career is concerned, well that’s a beast for another day. I’ve said it here before, but I don’t see myself just doing some regular 9-5 madness for my entire life. And I don’t think I should feel one bit of guilt if my first job after college seemingly has nothing to do with what I went to school for. Considering the many ways that nutrition can be bent and twisted to fit anywhere, I don’t see why I’d feel bad for applying for a job other than that of a clinical dietitian. I know that thinking this way seems worthless to most people. They think i’ll “learn” when I end up stuck at my 9 to 5 trying to make ends meet. It’s always funny to me because I don’t live in the box that everyone has their minds confined to. The good news for me is that I am single and free to explore life however I see fit and I intend to remain this way until I find a place in life that I’m ready to settle into.
I don’t think I’ve ever had this much trouble crossing off my to do list… but this finals week list has been so hard. And just when I think it can’t get any harder- IT DOES. Sigh. The good news is that, despite how hard it has been, I am still killing it. I might feel like I’m losing a little piece of sanity (lol!) but hey.. difficult has not equaled out to impossible.
Also, I just realized that tomorrow is supposed to be the first day of the 30 day challenge I mentioned in my other post. Oh lordy!
In better, happier, virtual news, this game has really got me thinking of what kind of place I want when I finally begin the journey of settling down. It’s such a happy thought, I’ve even been thinking of making a new vision board, piecing together my ideas for my first “home”.
Also, the trailer for the upcoming avengers movie looked great!
Oh! Oh! Oh!!!!!
I had a little thought pop into my head today. For once, I am on a new path. I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was in…!
Ok, I have to slow down. So, today I took my last difficult exam for the semester (besides finals) and I know I passed it! Now… I don’t know that I passed it with the grade I want, but ultimately, I know that I am going to pass this class. I’m going to pass all of my classes, and I’m actually expecting to remain on the Dean’s List. But… oh where was I going with this…?
Oh! So, I was walking to my car and I was thinking about how long I’ve been doing this college thing. And then it hit me.. I have 3 semesters left. So what if I’ve been doing this for so long. THIS is a point that I’ve never gotten to. I’ve never gotten down to the last 1.5 years of college. I’ve never been able to say, in 1 year I’m moving to Japan. But right now, I can say it. The overwhelming amount of joy that hit me from this made me take a look at myself and I realized that I’m finally moving forward.
This was an amazing realization for me and I’m really proud of myself. I feel like I can actually see the light. I’m so close to being where I want to be.
Oh. My. Gosh.
I did not know that the end of the semester could feel this miserable.
I am aware that part of these feelings are just because I am still dealing with the recent event that I endured and I’m shaking off those emotions. However, another part of it is DEFINITELY burn-out. I am just so darn tired of studying. Tired of flipping through these darn books. I’m tired of going to certain classes that I think aren’t benefit me. I guess the “issue” could also be the strong anticipation I’m having right now for my winter vacation. I’m just over it.
I know I’ve got to stop saying things like “I’m tired” of this and “done with” that. It’s not good. It’s just a bunch of negative energy that I end up allowing into my life. I’m just not exactly in my happy place these days and it’s made worse by all of these end of the semester shenanigans. But you know what, to end this on a positive note:
- I am healthy
- I am safe
- I am on track to graduate ON TIME
- I am in excellent academic standing
- I have 3 days of class left
- I’m finally feeling positive feelings about work again
- I have a very large, loving support system
So yeah, the future is bright. I have got to start thinking about this when those negative thoughts try creeping into my head. I’m already trying to overcome this by thanking God for every, tiny or large, blessing I have- first thing in the morning.
Everything is going to work out great…!
Oh, and soon I will be flooding my wonderful blog with posts. I’m so excited. I’ve got some ideas and projects that I want to share and work on during my upcoming free time. Included in that is definitely fixing up this blog!