Dream chasing

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I met a young woman named Laura last weekend. She was on the riverwalk, where I had been sitting and praying, taking photos. For some reason, I felt the need to speak to her, so I asked if she’d gotten any good photos. She came right over to me and said yes and told me that she’d been travelling and taking photos. It was her dream to be a photographer. Sitting on the bench, with my hair pressed straight, my sharp suit (or at least I thought I looked sharp!), and my uncomfortable flats, I looked up at Laura. The sun was shining bright on her skin and I couldn’t help but face the fact that I had lost myself. She was an example of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. Who I thought I was on my way to becoming, until recently. I hadn’t drawn or painted a picture, finished a book, or even studied Japanese in nearly two months. I was back to eating uncontrollably and I’d put on 20 lbs, which was causing my face to swell. I hadn’t even been writing in this beloved blog of mine.

After our chat, Laura left and I wished her luck. She came back to me with a business card, which I put away and I am hoping to be able to work with her some day, and I wished her good luck again. I felt inspired in that moment and I realized that I’m trying to swim against a current. I’m being pulled under right now. Work, school, and drama that seems to always drag me back in. These days, I sometimes just think about disappearing. Not showing up to work anymore. Coming to my classes through the end of the semester, then living off a tight budget with whatever I have saved up. Spending my time outdoors, or just doing whatever makes me happy. Losing this weight, growing my hair long, drinking more water, and sharing more laughs and love with my companion. Only answering the phone when I know the call is one of positive nature. Yeah… that’s what I want to do.

But I know it’s not realistic. And I know it’s not the example I want to set for those who look to me for inspiration. So how do I take a break, without taking a break? That’s the question I’m facing.

Well, for one, I think I’m going to try to take more time to do what I love. Even if it takes some time away from everything else. I drew a picture of myself and my boyfriend today and I thought of some blog and vlog topics. I’ve been thinking of hand crafts to make too and I did my manicure. Honestly, I feel a little better already. I’ve also began to go to the gym and eat healthier again.

And as much as I do not like surprises, I’ve found that the best thing for me to do is to not plan this stuff out. Just like I just dropped everything and decided to write in my blog today, I spaced out in class to draw a picture, and randomly picked up my back and wallet and went to the gym. I started to listen to a Japanese podcast today and I asked some associates of mine for some good topics to talk about in Japanese. My boyfriend and I have also resolved to pray more often for each other, those around us (including the people who are hard to love), and for ourselves. It’s amazing to have an extra person donating strength and prayer to this beautiful cause.

So I say again, wish me luck!

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Finding treasures in the depths

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The depths of my mind used to be a place that I was afraid to visit. It was dark and filled to its capacity with bad thoughts and nightmarish versions of all my memories. I’ve slowly sorted through the thoughts in there and I’ve emptied out much of the trash ones. I’m still questioning just about everything I thought I knew about myself and my beliefs. Today, while pondering the typical college student thoughts of “what will I do when I graduate”, I realized something. I don’t want to do what I’m doing now. Just typing that feels so bad…

What if the job that I always considered to be my “childhood dream” isn’t really the job that I want to do? For a normal person, this is probably a ridiculous and simple question. Of course the job you thought you wanted to do as a child is not the job that you want to do now! Well… it’s not that simple for me. For a long time, I held on to my inner child. As if I froze her in the moment that I began to dislike my childhood, only to revisit her when I became an adult and give her all of the things she wished she had emotionally and physically. It’s been very difficult for me to realize that the child has grown up and no longer requires to be taken care of in this way, but it’s been a work in progress. At a time, I tailored my life to revolve around her. I played with toys, bought books I used to read as a child, and even listened to some music that she liked. I got past almost all of it, but I’m learning that there are still some things that I think and do that are soley based on this inner child that I am working to get rid of. Today’s epiphany was just another hurdle that I think I am ready to overcome. I’m starting to realize that my dream of becoming a laboratory scientist may not be the actual route that I want to take. I do love science and I enjoy my job, but I am being forced to accept the fact that it is just not what I want to do for a career and that that’s OK. When I think of myself pursuing a different career, I almost feel as if I’ve let someone down.

As far as my career is concerned, well that’s a beast for another day. I’ve said it here before, but I don’t see myself just doing some regular 9-5 madness for my entire life. And I don’t think I should feel one bit of guilt if my first job after college seemingly has nothing to do with what I went to school for. Considering the many ways that nutrition can be bent and twisted to fit anywhere, I don’t see why I’d feel bad for applying for a job other than that of a clinical dietitian. I know that thinking this way seems worthless to most people. They think i’ll “learn” when I end up stuck at my 9 to 5 trying to make ends meet. It’s always funny to me because I don’t live in the box that everyone has their minds confined to. The good news for me is that I am single and free to explore life however I see fit and I intend to remain this way until I find a place in life that I’m ready to settle into.

Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get any worse…

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I don’t think I’ve ever had this much trouble crossing off my to do list… but this finals week list has been so hard. And just when I think it can’t get any harder- IT DOES. Sigh. The good news is that, despite how hard it has been, I am still killing it. I might feel like I’m losing a little piece of sanity (lol!) but hey.. difficult has not equaled out to impossible.

IMG_0926Also, I just realized that tomorrow is supposed to be the first day of the 30 day challenge I mentioned in my other post. Oh lordy!

In better, happier, virtual news, this game has really got me thinking of what kind of place I want when I finally begin the journey of settling down. It’s such a happy thought, I’ve even been thinking of making a new vision board, piecing together my ideas for my first “home”.

 

Also, the trailer for the upcoming avengers movie looked great!

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I can see the light!

Oh! Oh! Oh!!!!!

I had a little thought pop into my head today. For once, I am on a new path. I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was in…!

Ok, I have to slow down. So, today I took my last difficult exam for the semester (besides finals) and I know I passed it! Now… I don’t know that I passed it with the grade I want, but ultimately, I know that I am going to pass this class. I’m going to pass all of my classes, and I’m actually expecting to remain on the Dean’s List. But… oh where was I going with this…?

Oh! So, I was walking to my car and I was thinking about how long I’ve been doing this college thing. And then it hit me.. I have 3 semesters left. So what if I’ve been doing this for so long. THIS is a point that I’ve never gotten to. I’ve never gotten down to the last 1.5 years of college. I’ve never been able to say, in 1 year I’m moving to Japan. But right now, I can say it. The overwhelming amount of joy that hit me from this made me take a look at myself and I realized that I’m finally moving forward.

This was an amazing realization for me and I’m really proud of myself. I feel like I can actually see the light. I’m so close to being where I want to be.

BURNED OUT

Oh. My. Gosh.

I did not know that the end of the semester could feel this miserable.

I am aware that part of these feelings are just because I am still dealing with the recent event that I endured and I’m shaking off those emotions. However, another part of it is DEFINITELY burn-out. I am just so darn tired of studying. Tired of flipping through these darn books. I’m tired of going to certain classes that I think aren’t benefit me. I guess the “issue” could also be the strong anticipation I’m having right now for my winter vacation. I’m just over it.

I know I’ve got to stop saying things like “I’m tired” of this and “done with” that. It’s not good. It’s just a bunch of negative energy that I end up allowing into my life. I’m just not exactly in my happy place these days and it’s made worse by all of these end of the semester shenanigans. But you know what, to end this on a positive note:

  • I am healthy
  • I am safe
  • I am on track to graduate ON TIME
  • I am in excellent academic standing
  • I have 3 days of class left
  • I’m finally feeling positive feelings about work again
  • I have a very large, loving support system

So yeah, the future is bright. I have got to start thinking about this when those negative thoughts try creeping into my head. I’m already trying to overcome this by thanking God for every, tiny or large, blessing I have- first thing in the morning.

Everything is going to work out great…!

Oh, and soon I will be flooding my wonderful blog with posts. I’m so excited. I’ve got some ideas and projects that I want to share and work on during my upcoming free time. Included in that is definitely fixing up this blog!

Mid-term blues

Ah yes… my dear blog. It’s been some time. Life has been beating me to a pulp, so I haven’t actually published anything (although I have created many, many drafts). But here I am…!

I might be depressed about other aspects of my life, but I’m NOT depressed about my academic works. Despite that I have not being giving myself a well-deserved pat on the back, I have truly been excelling. Somehow, I’ve managed to truly put all of my energy into my academics and I gotta say, the fruits of my labor are sweet. This was the first year that I was not worried about mid-terms and I am still not worried about finals. I’m so happy to be able to say that! Now, I’ve just got to push through this final 30 something days and be sure to finish STRONG. I’ve got so many things I want to write on my blog, many things I want to record for my vlog, and I am really interested in making my blog look nicer. I’m hoping that when the semester ends I can work on these things. I’m anticipating that around this time next month, I will be VERY active and I will be posting often.

So, see you then~