Growth

My babies are growing! And apparently, so am I.

For what seemed like forever, I walked outside onto my patio to look at the containers of dirt and I’d come back into my apartment feeling defeated. I just knew that they weren’t going to grow.

Because I don’t have a green thumb, I’ve never grown anything from seed before, and I am just bound to mess everything up. Not to mention, they aren’t growing at a rate where I can notice that growth is actually occurring.

Man, these thoughts so so… familiar. Perhaps because that’s my perspective on just about every thing in my life. I’m bound to screw it up and life has to prove to me that I am valuable and capable because I lack true self-confidence. I doubted my plants before they could even sprout from the ground. I looked at the soil they were in and simply dismissed it as “dead dirt”, not even giving myself the chance to see the beauty growing beneath.

IMG_4738

I tried to take a good picture, but my hands were shaking from excitement.

I was genuinely surprised when I came outside to see that little green things had sprouted up, standing tall and proud, in the soil… and I grew that. My time, money, hard work, and even the lack of patience I had… it all paid off. I am reaping what I sowed and it’s beautiful. I literally jumped for joy and squealed when I saw those itsy-bitsy green leaves popping up from the soil. And they’re growing bigger by the day. I’ve got to learn to be nicer to myself, to be more patient and understanding, and to believe in God’s promises. I can’t just look at everything as “dead dirt” when it doesn’t go my way. While I acknowledge some of this behavior as my defense mechanism for the daily paranoia and anxiety that I live with, I know that it’s also just habit- for now. I hope my little green babies continue to teach me life lessons, as other beautiful parts of nature has done. (Like the flowers I found wrapped around the barbed-wire.

IMG_4711

my plants on their way to their new home 🙂

 

I can see the light!

Oh! Oh! Oh!!!!!

I had a little thought pop into my head today. For once, I am on a new path. I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was in…!

Ok, I have to slow down. So, today I took my last difficult exam for the semester (besides finals) and I know I passed it! Now… I don’t know that I passed it with the grade I want, but ultimately, I know that I am going to pass this class. I’m going to pass all of my classes, and I’m actually expecting to remain on the Dean’s List. But… oh where was I going with this…?

Oh! So, I was walking to my car and I was thinking about how long I’ve been doing this college thing. And then it hit me.. I have 3 semesters left. So what if I’ve been doing this for so long. THIS is a point that I’ve never gotten to. I’ve never gotten down to the last 1.5 years of college. I’ve never been able to say, in 1 year I’m moving to Japan. But right now, I can say it. The overwhelming amount of joy that hit me from this made me take a look at myself and I realized that I’m finally moving forward.

This was an amazing realization for me and I’m really proud of myself. I feel like I can actually see the light. I’m so close to being where I want to be.

De-Clutter Update #3

I. Have. Paper. Everywhere.

I am having the most difficult time managing paper and paper waste. I spent over an hour shredding a week ago and now I’m up to my neck again! Well… not up to my neck, but how do I still have junk left laying around?? I just don’t get it and since the semester has started back up, the paper will only increase! I want to create a DIY filing system of some sort, but there’s so many options and so little time to make a decision…

Also, I’m trying to figure out when to buy something new and when to “ride something until the wheels fall off”. Specifically my laptop. In 2016 I purchased a laptop to replace this one that I’ve been using since 2013. Unfortunately for me, I hated the new laptop and after hardly one year of use, I just couldn’t use it anymore. $600 in the drain. Now, my 4 year old laptop is barely holding on for its life (keyboard issues, wifi adapter doesn’t work, CD port falling off) and I just feel this urge to get a new laptop. I don’t know if I should just try to… refurbish and clean up this laptop to make it “feel” new again, or… The other issue is that the laptop is a bit bulky and heavy and I have to bring it with me to school everyday. I don’t want to have a third laptop and I don’t want to spend the money on a new one. So… I just don’t know, but I sure hope that my 4th update is a lot more positive.