Right now, I’m in a grey area- a blank space in my life. It’s been like some sort of interlude. Personally, I never understood the point of interludes in movies, TV shows, or even music. I’m not a woman who enjoys suspense, I like to just get straight to the point so I can see how things end. (And whether the ending is in my favor/to my liking.) That’s an entirely different post that I’ll be writing later today though.
On Monday of this week, I got smacked across the face like an unprepared MMA fighter. My opponent: Anxiety. I was suddenly stormed by a myriad of thoughts about things I probably did wrong or ways that I’m not enough in my social, academic, work, or romantic life. I’ve spent the past 4 years now only taking paths that I felt sure that I had control over the outcomes on and I’ve been punched harder and harder, repeatedly since then. Every time something didn’t work out the way I thought they would, I’d face a depression like none other. It felt like my entire world was ending. Why? Because I’d be reminded that not only do I not have control, but I missed out on the opportunity to pursue a passion or fully enjoy a moment because I was hyper-focused on the end.
Alrighty. So today I didn’t do that well, BUT I do have good things to say about how today went.
Taking pictures of my food and logging it has made me more aware of when I eat, even after I’ve eaten. In the past, I didn’t realize how much I was mindlessly eating. Not only was I not noticing what I was eating or how much, but I would almost “forget” that I ate anything within a couple of hours when I’d be snacking again. Kinda like that time Patrick from Spongebob got upset because he didn’t remember eating his chocolate bar.
Protein really does make me feel full longer. I always thought that was some nutritionist mumbo-jumbo, but it’s true! It’s been a lot easier not to snack when I’m getting a good amount of protein with each meal! That being said- I do need to cut my protein consumption just a bit because it’s adding excess to my calorie count.
I really hate to admit it, but I snack way too often. It’s like a hobby to me and it soothes literally any emotion. Pissed off? Oreo cookies. Depressed? Hershey’s Pie. Feeling in love (with Andy Samberg’s character on B99)? Toaster strudel. I mean, I can tell you a snack for any occasion.
2019 was the year that I received the closure that I needed the most. All of my behaviors, my phobias, my fears were rooted in the experiences during my childhood that changed the way that I functioned as a person. No matter how old I became, I always thought back to that little misunderstood girl who didn’t deserve the pain that was handed to her. I based a lot of my choices on the vows that I made to her to protect her.
There’s no manual given to you when you become a parent. There’s no customized guide to tell you what’s best for your child. There’s also no rewind button after you’ve had a major role in an event that traumatized your child. There’s no law that says they have to forgive you, or bring their children (if they have any)around you. Just like there’s no law that says every parent must have the perfect parenting technique. It’s tricky, isn’t it? Being completely responsible for another human’s physical and emotional needs. I don’t have any children, but I am the child to parents whom I once held a great deal of resentment towards.