Remember that post I wrote a long time ago about how I wanted to be like Iron Man, Dr. Strange, and Bruce Banner at the beginning of Infinity War? No? Me either. I was going to link it in this post, but I don’t even remember the title. Anyway, look at this video:
When the sound of an alien ship roared and sent gusts of wind topping everything over, most people in the city did exactly what anyone else would do. Get the F outta the way! Yet, these 3 men walked toward it, curious and prepared for a fight. Even after coming face-to-face with their new foe, who could’ve been much stronger than they could handle, the heroes took a fighting stance and walked straight towards the danger. Why is that? Because they weren’t afraid of a fight. Actually, they always anticipated their enemies attack. Dr. Strange didn’t assume that because he wasn’t currently under attack that an enemy wasn’t on the way. Iron Man didn’t put his suit on and say “gosh I sure hope my armor doesn’t fail and I lose this fight.” And Banner, who couldn’t even transform into the Hulk, refused to stay out of the fight and later returned in a suit of armor. For the past 2 years now, I’ve been waiting for that moment. Not the moment where I’m faced with an enemy, but when I fearlessly run towards what scares me instead of away.Continue reading “The Moment I’ve Been Waiting For!”→
Right now, I’m in a grey area- a blank space in my life. It’s been like some sort of interlude. Personally, I never understood the point of interludes in movies, TV shows, or even music. I’m not a woman who enjoys suspense, I like to just get straight to the point so I can see how things end. (And whether the ending is in my favor/to my liking.) That’s an entirely different post that I’ll be writing later today though.
On Monday of this week, I got smacked across the face like an unprepared MMA fighter. My opponent: Anxiety. I was suddenly stormed by a myriad of thoughts about things I probably did wrong or ways that I’m not enough in my social, academic, work, or romantic life. I’ve spent the past 4 years now only taking paths that I felt sure that I had control over the outcomes on and I’ve been punched harder and harder, repeatedly since then. Every time something didn’t work out the way I thought they would, I’d face a depression like none other. It felt like my entire world was ending. Why? Because I’d be reminded that not only do I not have control, but I missed out on the opportunity to pursue a passion or fully enjoy a moment because I was hyper-focused on the end.
2019 was the year that I received the closure that I needed the most. All of my behaviors, my phobias, my fears were rooted in the experiences during my childhood that changed the way that I functioned as a person. No matter how old I became, I always thought back to that little misunderstood girl who didn’t deserve the pain that was handed to her. I based a lot of my choices on the vows that I made to her to protect her.
There are a few things that I’ve been trying to do for years now. My longest-standing unaccomplished goal is to move to Japan. My shortest, but still 3-year-strong, has been to lose a specific amount of weight. In between sits goals like growing my hair to the middle of my back, passing the JLPT N2, getting married, and starting a successful business. It’s so easy for me to say that I’ve tried “everything”, but haven’t had any success. Honestly, it seriously feels like I have. But the fact is- I haven’t tried “everything” yet.
It’s really easy for me to tell someone that I “couldn’t care less” about whatever their problem is- especially when they’ve got a problem with me. It’s even easier for me to brag to other people about how resilient and “thick-skinned” I am. Yet, my anxiety at its core has always been the exact opposite. I’m like a fruit or vegetable with a hard outer shell, but the inside is as mushy as melted ice-cream. Anxiety makes me vulnerable. It whispers into my ear that something is wrong and someone is out to get me. However, in my recent quest to overcome anxiety once and for all, I’ve learned a weapon that can be used against it- the art of not giving a single damn. Continue reading “The Art of Not Giving A Damn”→
Very soon, I will have accomplished not one, but two of my life goals. I’ll have obtained a bachelors degree and moved to Japan in just a little more than 5 months. I’m fairly young, so this will be the first time in my life that I’ve actually reached a point like this in my life. It’s strange. I mean, what do you do once you’ve crossed off everything on your bucket list? I gave it some thought and decided that the best thing is to set new goals. Continue reading “My “Post-Bucket List” Bucket list”→