Caring too much is a thing and I’m doing it

I always listed “caring too much” as one of those things that’s just not really possible. I thought if I was doing it, it’s because I’m just a “good person”. However, my recent walk near the graveyard left me with the realization that almost every thing I do (or did before then) was out of fear. The big “what if” questions drove me nearly to insanity with any and every action that I did. That includes how much I care about… well… everything. What people think, how well I preform in school, my weight, and anything else. It wasn’t the healthy kind of concern, as in I wanted things to get better. But rather, the negative kind of over-concern, where I am afraid that making the wrong move will cause my destruction. The fear of my imminent doom (caused by me), even with tiny things, drove me to anxiety attacks that would wake me up from my sleep.

I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the way that I’ve learned to live. And what’s sad is that I’m realizing that I’m not actually living at all. I’d even go as far as to say that I’m dying and fear is the killer. But how do I make myself care less, without becoming a selfish person? A friend of mine made a good example yesterday. She said I should get to a point where if someone were to tell me that my home burned down, that my response would be something like “Oh well. Thank goodness my grandma has a home that I can stay at.” It sounds extreme and almost unrealistic, but she’s right. I could focus on the (impending) disaster or spend my energy keeping my eyes set on the bright future that I know is ahead of me. God said “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11) I had been trying to teach my kids at Sunday school to make scripture relevant to themselves and to talk with someone when they feel like they’re struggling. I should be taking my own advice.

A Disconnected Spring Walk [Photo Journal]

Could I be getting addicted to these walks? Because this might be the sweetest addiction I’ve had…

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These days I almost feel like I’ve disconnected from the world.. ever since my walk by the grave.

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Since my walk, I’ve been responding to the voice of fear with the truth. I have been quick to remind myself that the LIES being whispered into my ears are just LIES.

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I am determined to enjoy my life and take back my peace. I am determined to grow closer and closer to God. I am determined to fulfill His purpose for me and to make an impact on those around me who need me. Maybe I can’t change the world, but I can change a corner.

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And on a random note, is it weird that I find these to be extremely comforting to look at? Especially on a pretty day?

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Another week down [Photo Journal]

I’ve found myself immersed in nature again…

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This time I went down by a lake. It’s going to be a new favorite location for me.

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It’s not a blue water beach… but I’ll take it

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I’m so grateful for the suddenly good weather. I was getting sick and tired of the cold, dreary weather!

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I’ve spent a lot of time dismissing my fears and phobias and contemplating how I will chase down my dreams.

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A long walk beside a graveyard [photo journal]

I took a long walk a couple of days ago. I’d been contemplating working on my ability to capture the beauty of nature, the way that I see it, and with the way my week had gone… I said screw it!

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I knew that beside this walking trail was a graveyard and I felt like I needed to be somewhere that would force me to think very hard about life. My life.

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There were hundreds of gravestones, if not thousands, and beneath them all lay the remains of people. People… just like me. They breathed the same air that I breathe now, they had thoughts, relatives, pet peeves… And now they’ve been reduced to soil. They’re recognized by a gravestone. And some day, that will be me. A gravestone with flowers on it. Not a woman with friends or enemies, not the research scientist, not the woman within a certain pay grade or holding a certain degree. And what will matter then?

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Why do I worry so much and allow fear to control my decision making? Why do I care so much about what people think? If I have a passion, why don’t I just go after it? Why do I allow society’s “expectations” rule my life? I don’t even really like “society”!

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By this point, my legs were beginning to cramp a little and hurt from walking for so long. I’d never spent this much time alone with God before and I felt like the dark cloud that was above me had been removed. As if I could suddenly breathe again. And then I saw something. Pretty yellow flowers, my favorite color flowers, were growing-wrapped around barbed-wire.

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As hostile and (still) dangerous barbed-wire is, the flowers still grew. Because that’s what beautiful flowers do, right? They continue to grow and bloom. They didn’t even droop or grow a less vibrant yellow color. And they didn’t grow around the barbed-wire to avoid it. How is it that a flower can do everything that I feel that I can not? How is a flower more brave and bold than me? And how can I become more brave and bolder?

Paranoia and fear has a death grip on me and if I don’t get out of it soon… it’ll lead me to my end

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I’m taking my life back.

 

 

 

 

My first post about gardening!

Let the gardening begin!

A new season in my life is arriving and I’ve never felt anymore indifferent than I do now. I’m taking some leaps of faith and the stress of it all has been something serious. I’ve considered several ways that I think I’d like to cope with my transition and growing some plants has really been on my mind. I had the opportunity to grow several types of leafy plants at my university twice this academic year and I’ve learned how simple it can be! So, since I’ve been saying for a while now that I wanted to grow some flowers, I am planning to finally start.

Confidence

Until recently, I didn’t realize how much of it I am lacking. I like to think of myself as an amazing, valuable woman who is capable of way more than even she realizes. Yet, in the past month, I’ve caught myself saying “why me” when offered great opportunities. In those moments, something else takes over me and I begin to question myself completely. Can I really do that? Do I really know that? Am I really worth all of that?

It’s an awful feeling and I’m not quire sure how to get to the root of the issue. I am somewhat sure that part of it is that I rely to much on myself and not enough on God. So what if I can’t? He can. He can do it for me or even through me. So what’s there to doubt? Am I not following His will? I mean, I may not be perfect, but my heart is set on the will of God and I can not allow pesky self doubt get in the way. Besides, God won’t let self-doubt get in the way! Self doubt can pester me and try to take me out, but it’s no match for my God.

Like any other challenge lately, I’m looking this one in the eyes as I lace up my spiritual boxing gloves. I let these kind of thoughts rule my life for too long. Now, one-by-one I am determined to face them head on.

Finding treasures in the depths

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The depths of my mind used to be a place that I was afraid to visit. It was dark and filled to its capacity with bad thoughts and nightmarish versions of all my memories. I’ve slowly sorted through the thoughts in there and I’ve emptied out much of the trash ones. I’m still questioning just about everything I thought I knew about myself and my beliefs. Today, while pondering the typical college student thoughts of “what will I do when I graduate”, I realized something. I don’t want to do what I’m doing now. Just typing that feels so bad…

What if the job that I always considered to be my “childhood dream” isn’t really the job that I want to do? For a normal person, this is probably a ridiculous and simple question. Of course the job you thought you wanted to do as a child is not the job that you want to do now! Well… it’s not that simple for me. For a long time, I held on to my inner child. As if I froze her in the moment that I began to dislike my childhood, only to revisit her when I became an adult and give her all of the things she wished she had emotionally and physically. It’s been very difficult for me to realize that the child has grown up and no longer requires to be taken care of in this way, but it’s been a work in progress. At a time, I tailored my life to revolve around her. I played with toys, bought books I used to read as a child, and even listened to some music that she liked. I got past almost all of it, but I’m learning that there are still some things that I think and do that are soley based on this inner child that I am working to get rid of. Today’s epiphany was just another hurdle that I think I am ready to overcome. I’m starting to realize that my dream of becoming a laboratory scientist may not be the actual route that I want to take. I do love science and I enjoy my job, but I am being forced to accept the fact that it is just not what I want to do for a career and that that’s OK. When I think of myself pursuing a different career, I almost feel as if I’ve let someone down.

As far as my career is concerned, well that’s a beast for another day. I’ve said it here before, but I don’t see myself just doing some regular 9-5 madness for my entire life. And I don’t think I should feel one bit of guilt if my first job after college seemingly has nothing to do with what I went to school for. Considering the many ways that nutrition can be bent and twisted to fit anywhere, I don’t see why I’d feel bad for applying for a job other than that of a clinical dietitian. I know that thinking this way seems worthless to most people. They think i’ll “learn” when I end up stuck at my 9 to 5 trying to make ends meet. It’s always funny to me because I don’t live in the box that everyone has their minds confined to. The good news for me is that I am single and free to explore life however I see fit and I intend to remain this way until I find a place in life that I’m ready to settle into.