Until recently, I didn’t realize how much of it I am lacking. I like to think of myself as an amazing, valuable woman who is capable of way more than even she realizes. Yet, in the past month, I’ve caught myself saying “why me” when offered great opportunities. In those moments, something else takes over me and I begin to question myself completely. Can I really do that? Do I really know that? Am I really worth all of that?

It’s an awful feeling and I’m not quire sure how to get to the root of the issue. I am somewhat sure that part of it is that I rely to much on myself and not enough on God. So what if I can’t? He can. He can do it for me or even through me. So what’s there to doubt? Am I not following His will? I mean, I may not be perfect, but my heart is set on the will of God and I can not allow pesky self doubt get in the way. Besides, God won’t let self-doubt get in the way! Self doubt can pester me and try to take me out, but it’s no match for my God.

Like any other challenge lately, I’m looking this one in the eyes as I lace up my spiritual boxing gloves. I let these kind of thoughts rule my life for too long. Now, one-by-one I am determined to face them head on.

Finding treasures in the depths


The depths of my mind used to be a place that I was afraid to visit. It was dark and filled to its capacity with bad thoughts and nightmarish versions of all my memories. I’ve slowly sorted through the thoughts in there and I’ve emptied out much of the trash ones. I’m still questioning just about everything I thought I knew about myself and my beliefs. Today, while pondering the typical college student thoughts of “what will I do when I graduate”, I realized something. I don’t want to do what I’m doing now. Just typing that feels so bad…

What if the job that I always considered to be my “childhood dream” isn’t really the job that I want to do? For a normal person, this is probably a ridiculous and simple question. Of course the job you thought you wanted to do as a child is not the job that you want to do now! Well… it’s not that simple for me. For a long time, I held on to my inner child. As if I froze her in the moment that I began to dislike my childhood, only to revisit her when I became an adult and give her all of the things she wished she had emotionally and physically. It’s been very difficult for me to realize that the child has grown up and no longer requires to be taken care of in this way, but it’s been a work in progress. At a time, I tailored my life to revolve around her. I played with toys, bought books I used to read as a child, and even listened to some music that she liked. I got past almost all of it, but I’m learning that there are still some things that I think and do that are soley based on this inner child that I am working to get rid of. Today’s epiphany was just another hurdle that I think I am ready to overcome. I’m starting to realize that my dream of becoming a laboratory scientist may not be the actual route that I want to take. I do love science and I enjoy my job, but I am being forced to accept the fact that it is just not what I want to do for a career and that that’s OK. When I think of myself pursuing a different career, I almost feel as if I’ve let someone down.

As far as my career is concerned, well that’s a beast for another day. I’ve said it here before, but I don’t see myself just doing some regular 9-5 madness for my entire life. And I don’t think I should feel one bit of guilt if my first job after college seemingly has nothing to do with what I went to school for. Considering the many ways that nutrition can be bent and twisted to fit anywhere, I don’t see why I’d feel bad for applying for a job other than that of a clinical dietitian. I know that thinking this way seems worthless to most people. They think i’ll “learn” when I end up stuck at my 9 to 5 trying to make ends meet. It’s always funny to me because I don’t live in the box that everyone has their minds confined to. The good news for me is that I am single and free to explore life however I see fit and I intend to remain this way until I find a place in life that I’m ready to settle into.

Is “couponing” worth it?

I’ve heard people throwing around the words “extreme couponing” for some time now, but shopping with coupons is not something that I haven’t heard of before today. When I was a kid, I was going to ride with a friend to JapanFest (in fact I think it was my first time going) and before we left, her mom told her to put the coupon binder in the car. Well, my friend was just a kid and so she forgot, like kids do, and her mom punished us both by forcing us to leave the event early because she could not clip her coupons while she waited for us. Besides that, my only other thought of coupons are those old school dispensers that used to be in the grocery stores. I never took coupons seriously, even when I was broke. But since I decided to take this leap into my new lifestyle, the idea of shopping with coupons is beginning to seem relevant. I would really like to save as much money as I possibly can this year to prepare for my upcoming move and I’m thinking that shopping a bit frugally could support my goal. Coupons sound great to me because I’m not a huge fan of buying a bunch of cheap stuff that won’t work or last, but quality items that I can possibly buy at a discounted rate.

I don’t even know where I would start with coupons though. I’ve been recommended a couple of subscription services as well as a site called ebates. But I don’t have a clue as to how I can get into the world of couponing or if it is even really worth it. For now, it’s sort of a back-burner idea until I can get more insight, but I’ve already begun researching how I will stretch my pennies this year.

First week back & my new mantra

I am officially back for a new semester and I’ve got to say it started off so, so rocky. 😅 I actually had a little bit of a rough time getting home because of all of the east coast snow delaying flights. Once I actually got home, I was battling hormones and jet lag at the same time. It didn’t help that when I got to one of my classes, the professor basically described her class as a living nightmare because of her unrealistic expectations she will place on to her students. And I’m not saying this just because it’s what I think, I am taking what she said and re-stating it. That pretty much ruined my mood and attitude for my other classes for the day and possibly the week. But I think I did a very decent job at making an effort to always keep my head up, stay motivated, and stay on track. Along with the many other things on my mind, I had a very difficult time even getting out of bed this week, BUT I am proud to say that I fought through it and I am using my time this weekend to charge up my spiritual batteries so that I can come back three times as strong. I am planning to create some motivational posters to put on the walls in my room and I’ve decided on a mantra. “One year left”. Picturing the things I plan to have an accomplish after I finish this chapter of my life lifts me up a lot. I am being careful, however, not to shift all of my focus onto how “great” the future will be when I get out of this place. That was one of my 2017 mistakes that I vowed not to make in 2018. I will enjoy this year and I will enjoy the current chapter of my life. My little mantra is good for the days that I just… can’t, but it is not my daily motto.

Reading goals for 2018

Last year was a phenomenal year for me when it comes to reading. I see so much growth in my knowledge and ability to focus as a result of how much I read last year. I don’t think I’ve read this much since I was in the 6th grade! So, I want to keep it going. Originally, my goal was to read one more book than I did last year, but I think I want to tweak that goal a little bit a lot. My reading goals for this year will be met by reading articles between now and May. If I find this to be effective, then I’ll continue it throughout the year. This doesn’t mean I won’t read any books at all, but I may not read more BOOKS than I read last year (which was 4 or 5 books). Here’s the plan for every week between now and May:

1 NHK News article ( link )

1 Research article ( link / link )

1 Nutrition article ( link / link / link )

3 Pages of my Japanese nutrition book ( link )

For each read, I don’t want to spend more than 1.5 hours at a time reading. I also want to write a short summary for each (in English), record a vlog of myself summarizing, or I will just take notes as I read. This should be fun and a very achievable goal as long as I keep up with it.

Goals for 2018


My 2018 Goals:

Smile more

I’ve heard that smiling can contribute to a better mood. I want to be happier and I want my inner happiness to be seen on the outside too. I want to be able to transfer some of my joy to another person. I do believe that smiling can give me a little bit of all of the things I listed.

Become an expert

Taking a course and getting a degree does not qualify me as a knowledgeable individual in a specific field. Sure, my school required me to declare a major, but when you find out how many different specific fields exist within “nutrition”, you’ll learn (like I did) that that is the equivalent of having a major titled “science”. My courses are general and so are my textbooks and professors teaching from those books. I need to educate myself in specific fields and I would like to declare my interest in one (or two). I’d also like to improve my expertise in the Japanese language. And although I’ll never become an “expert Christian”, I do think that I could strengthen my spirit more than I do now by studying my bible more often. I know that I’d also mentioned that I wanted to nurture a creative passion, but I haven’t picked that one yet.


Improve my self-confidence

I can change my look a million times and still believe that I don’t look good at all. I can gain all the knowledge in the world and still not believe that I’m smart. I’m tired of chasing things that will never satisfy me. So I’d like to work on true self-acceptance.

Be slow to anger

I know that my anger has impaired my ability to enjoy where I am in life in more than one occasion. In 2018, I refuse to spend my energy being angry when I should be working on becoming a better me.

Enjoy the year

Truly, I think it’s safe to say that this all boils down to me finding peace. I’m trying to move into the next chapter in my life and for once I’d like to leave some of this heavy baggage behind. I don’t want to spend my last year of undergrad and last year in America, rushing and thinking about how great things will be when it’s all said and done. I want to make the absolute most of 2018 and I with a smile on my face.

Questions from my 20’s #1

How can a person become “successful” and “happy”?

Let me first define what I mean by each of these. When I say successful, I mean financially you are well off. Not really struggling in one particular area and not necessarily filthy rich. When I say happy, I mean you generally enjoy life.

For me, happiness would be me married with… at least 2 of the 4 kids I think I’d like to have (gosh I can not WAIT to come back and read this in 5 years) and I get to spend enough time with my family that I feel like we are constantly building our relationship and getting to know one another.

It seems to me that unless you have one of the rare, highest paying jobs in the world, this is impossible. This idea is significantly INCREASED when you move to another country. Now, due to my rebellious personality, I don’t really believe that this is true. Over the past year, I’ve really come to believe that my success is limited only by my mindset. Not by the country I’m in or the country that I’m from. So why is it that people believe that you have to enter a field known to provide an extraordinarily high income to gain that kind of money or lifestyle? And also, why is the perceived lifestyle of the rich the end goal? If my future husband and I both work regular jobs, earning about 30k per year in the beginning of our careers, is there no chance at all that we will work our way up the money or happiness ladder? Or even if we never go past 50k per year, does that mean that we will never be successful and therefor never truly happy?