In May of last year, I was in a terrible mental space. It was the second time in my life where I’d reached the proverbial “rock bottom” emotionally. I was forced to face all of the feelings that I had bottled-in for over 5 years. While I won’t go into much of the specifics, I will say that it was the result of not being honest with myself. I would tell myself that I was fine when I wasn’t, say I was taking a “break” from dating when I really wanted to be in a relationship, etc… I wasn’t taking the best care of myself and I certainly wasn’t putting myself first. I think the only thing I cared about was making money. I was struggling mentally and it had started to affect my job, so I quit and decided that I would take on the financial burden of going two months without pay- the beginning of the financial crisis I’m in now, to figure myself out. Continue reading “How I “Upgraded” My Look (Long Post)”
Another goal of mine for this next year is to experiment with different looks to find the one that fits me best. I want to play around with my wardrobe, make up, aaaannnnd hair. As if trying to get my body in shape wasn’t hard enough, I am also quite torn about what to do with my hair.
Now, I’ve got to admit, there are a few factors that cause my hair confusion and one of them may be a lifetime struggle. Growing up, I always got relaxers and kept straight hair. I got used to the texture and look of having my hair straight. I also gained a preference for hair that hangs rather than shrinks. Now, It’s kind of hard, almost impossible for me to enjoy the way I look sometimes with my shrunken afro. The internet really made this insecurity worse. I read so many forums and YouTube comments exclaiming that a preference for anything other than your natural texture is self hate that I started to feel coerced. I don’t hate myself and I don’t want to. So, for about two years now… maybe more, I’ve been trying to keep it kinky-curly here. Of course my other issue is likely just confidence. I am not really one of those women who could confidently rock any hairstyle. Not yet.
With all of that being said, I think I should start being true to myself and wearing my hair the way that I want to see it. That’s not necessarily straight anymore, but certainly not my afro when it’s shrunken down. I think I like loose, long curls. Or wavy hair. What I’d really like to do is to grow my own hair to the length I’d like to see it reach (about 6 more inches than where it is now) and find a hair regimen to give it the look I like. Such as perm-rods or braid-outs under a dryer.
Is it so wrong for a person to want to change something about their self so that they enjoy the way that they look more? Because I don’t hate myself, nor do I hate my beautiful thick, strong locks that I have been blessed with. I just have an idea of what I want to look like and my current look just isn’t that. And my hair (the way it is styled at least) is just one thing that I’d like to change.