My favorite thing to do in the morning is open my blinds and look at the trees outside of my window. One tree has a branch that hangs particularly close to my window, so I tend to look it it’s leaves first. Today, I noticed brownish, yellowish specks and a thought popped into my head… Time waits for no one.
The summer season is approaching a close and autumn is coming right behind it. No matter who was born or who died, no matter who was hurt or who found peace, no matter who found there way or who went deeper into the darkness… time didn’t stop. The leaves on this tree aren’t going to stop and wait for life to get better or worse to change their color and fall to the ground. The earth will keep rotating, its orbit continual, and time will continue to pass.
I, too, need not wait. Pain from my past, lost friendships, loneliness, or even my upcoming graduation are no excuse for me to pause my life, even for a second. I don’t need to wait for the “perfect” time to pursue my goals, get rid of toxic people and things, or to decide to be confident in myself. I have to get used to continuing on, just like to leaves on that tree. Those brown specks tell me that the tree is anticipating the change in season and I took it as a message from God, that I need to do the same. I’m about to enter a new season, whether I’m ready or not, and it’s time to prepare. Not when I feel like the time is right, but right now.
2018 isn’t over yet and it’s not too late to accomplish the things I’d hoped for by the end of the year. And honestly, before I saw the leaves this morning, I’d already come to the conclusion that I needed to forget the idea of this little “life pause” button that I can sit on when I’m not feeling like moving forward. But it’s a lot easier said than done? Don’t you agree? So, I always need a gentle reminder, like browning tree leaves or a stick note that I’ve placed on my bathroom mirror, or even a Pinterest dream-board.
The seasons are going to change soon. Are you ready?
How can a person become “successful” and “happy”?
Let me first define what I mean by each of these. When I say successful, I mean financially you are well off. Not really struggling in one particular area and not necessarily filthy rich. When I say happy, I mean you generally enjoy life.
For me, happiness would be me married with… at least 2 of the 4 kids I think I’d like to have (gosh I can not WAIT to come back and read this in 5 years) and I get to spend enough time with my family that I feel like we are constantly building our relationship and getting to know one another.
It seems to me that unless you have one of the rare, highest paying jobs in the world, this is impossible. This idea is significantly INCREASED when you move to another country. Now, due to my rebellious personality, I don’t really believe that this is true. Over the past year, I’ve really come to believe that my success is limited only by my mindset. Not by the country I’m in or the country that I’m from. So why is it that people believe that you have to enter a field known to provide an extraordinarily high income to gain that kind of money or lifestyle? And also, why is the perceived lifestyle of the rich the end goal? If my future husband and I both work regular jobs, earning about 30k per year in the beginning of our careers, is there no chance at all that we will work our way up the money or happiness ladder? Or even if we never go past 50k per year, does that mean that we will never be successful and therefor never truly happy?
This might sound strange but I really like this photo. It has been accurate when used to describe my emotions.
Ah yes. Instead of studying for the JLPT, I am going to write a blog post about an unrelated topic.
I managed to climb all the way down from the ledge today when an anxiety attack smacked me across the head. I sort of knew that something was up when I tried speaking and I kept mispronouncing my words. Then came uncertainty of myself, tunnel vision, appetite loss and finally rapid heart beat. Standing on a ledge is truly the best way to describe this feeling. It’s like suddenly, at rapid speed, I’m re-evaluating nearly everything I’ve ever done as if the end is near. And then a little thought floated across my mind to think about the future instead of the present or past. It was as if the drain plug had been pulled out and the flood that I was going to drown in is now slowly emptying out. The worst part is how easily I am triggered. It doesn’t take much for my mind to go into this mode. But either way, I will not let this consume me.
I’m not only happy to have coping mechanisms handy now to stop me from doing things I’d later regret, but I am also happy to have the outlook I have now on the future. Anxiety is clearly not quite ready to let go of my life and I am glad to know ways to fight it off.
For a long time now, I’ve wanted to get some henna done. I want to get henna on my right hand and chest so that I can think of how I might look if I got additional tattoos there. Honestly, I think that tattoos look really nice depending on the location and quality. My favorite tattoos are hands, chest, ankles, and arms. I always hoped to be able to have nice tattoos on my right hand some day. I don’t know why I like it so much, but I just do. 😄 Hopefully in 2018 I can finally get some henna and uhh… I can’t speak too soon but a new tattoo may appear
This morning, I took some time to write my last entry in my 2017 bullet journal. I wanna just say that bullet journals are AMAZING. I am so glad that I invested in that little notebook for my thoughts. I’ve actually filled up almost every page with my thoughts, ideas, schedules, grocery lists, etc… The entry I wrote this morning was so important and will likely become a reference point for me over the next 12 months. I meditated over just about every other word as I thought about where I am today and where I was this time last year. And when I closed that notebook, I couldn’t help but smile at the idea that I may have this bright future available. It honestly makes me more grateful for every day that I wake up. And speaking of grateful, I also made sure to write out the instructions that I have received from God recently.
Also, today is Christmas and I love it. The idea of a day to celebrate the birth of my savior… Just brings me an unexplainable kind of joy. But is it strange that the next holiday on my mind is Easter aka The Resurrection.
Oh! Oh! Oh!!!!!
I had a little thought pop into my head today. For once, I am on a new path. I’ve finally broken the cycle that I was in…!
Ok, I have to slow down. So, today I took my last difficult exam for the semester (besides finals) and I know I passed it! Now… I don’t know that I passed it with the grade I want, but ultimately, I know that I am going to pass this class. I’m going to pass all of my classes, and I’m actually expecting to remain on the Dean’s List. But… oh where was I going with this…?
Oh! So, I was walking to my car and I was thinking about how long I’ve been doing this college thing. And then it hit me.. I have 3 semesters left. So what if I’ve been doing this for so long. THIS is a point that I’ve never gotten to. I’ve never gotten down to the last 1.5 years of college. I’ve never been able to say, in 1 year I’m moving to Japan. But right now, I can say it. The overwhelming amount of joy that hit me from this made me take a look at myself and I realized that I’m finally moving forward.
This was an amazing realization for me and I’m really proud of myself. I feel like I can actually see the light. I’m so close to being where I want to be.
Well, my 19 hour semester has officially begun. Its slow start is how I know that around midterms it’s going to be a full blown storm. Continue reading →