Growth

My babies are growing! And apparently, so am I.

For what seemed like forever, I walked outside onto my patio to look at the containers of dirt and I’d come back into my apartment feeling defeated. I just knew that they weren’t going to grow.

Because I don’t have a green thumb, I’ve never grown anything from seed before, and I am just bound to mess everything up. Not to mention, they aren’t growing at a rate where I can notice that growth is actually occurring.

Man, these thoughts so so… familiar. Perhaps because that’s my perspective on just about every thing in my life. I’m bound to screw it up and life has to prove to me that I am valuable and capable because I lack true self-confidence. I doubted my plants before they could even sprout from the ground. I looked at the soil they were in and simply dismissed it as “dead dirt”, not even giving myself the chance to see the beauty growing beneath.

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I tried to take a good picture, but my hands were shaking from excitement.

I was genuinely surprised when I came outside to see that little green things had sprouted up, standing tall and proud, in the soil… and I grew that. My time, money, hard work, and even the lack of patience I had… it all paid off. I am reaping what I sowed and it’s beautiful. I literally jumped for joy and squealed when I saw those itsy-bitsy green leaves popping up from the soil. And they’re growing bigger by the day. I’ve got to learn to be nicer to myself, to be more patient and understanding, and to believe in God’s promises. I can’t just look at everything as “dead dirt” when it doesn’t go my way. While I acknowledge some of this behavior as my defense mechanism for the daily paranoia and anxiety that I live with, I know that it’s also just habit- for now. I hope my little green babies continue to teach me life lessons, as other beautiful parts of nature has done. (Like the flowers I found wrapped around the barbed-wire.

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my plants on their way to their new home 🙂

 

Caring too much is a thing and I’m doing it

I always listed “caring too much” as one of those things that’s just not really possible. I thought if I was doing it, it’s because I’m just a “good person”. However, my recent walk near the graveyard left me with the realization that almost every thing I do (or did before then) was out of fear. The big “what if” questions drove me nearly to insanity with any and every action that I did. That includes how much I care about… well… everything. What people think, how well I preform in school, my weight, and anything else. It wasn’t the healthy kind of concern, as in I wanted things to get better. But rather, the negative kind of over-concern, where I am afraid that making the wrong move will cause my destruction. The fear of my imminent doom (caused by me), even with tiny things, drove me to anxiety attacks that would wake me up from my sleep.

I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the way that I’ve learned to live. And what’s sad is that I’m realizing that I’m not actually living at all. I’d even go as far as to say that I’m dying and fear is the killer. But how do I make myself care less, without becoming a selfish person? A friend of mine made a good example yesterday. She said I should get to a point where if someone were to tell me that my home burned down, that my response would be something like “Oh well. Thank goodness my grandma has a home that I can stay at.” It sounds extreme and almost unrealistic, but she’s right. I could focus on the (impending) disaster or spend my energy keeping my eyes set on the bright future that I know is ahead of me. God said “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11) I had been trying to teach my kids at Sunday school to make scripture relevant to themselves and to talk with someone when they feel like they’re struggling. I should be taking my own advice.

Building ladders [Photo Journal]

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I recently heard the term “build a ladder” when talking about coping mechanisms for depression. It made a ton of sense, especially the idea of just beginning by getting out of bed.

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Today is my first time building a ladder and I’ve got to say, it’s might effective…! I began by getting out of bed and writing down 3 things that I will keep my mind on to avoid negative feelings. Then I showered and confronted all negative thoughts and dismissed them.

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The future is bright 😉

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Uprooted

 

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Since the new year has arrived, my world seems to have turned upside down. What’s that saying again? Things aren’t falling apart, they’re falling into place…?

I’ve been steady on my path to fulfilling God’s purpose for me and Satan has turned the heat up on me 100 times over. I’ve gone through almost every emotion possible, had a few break downs, and leaned harder on my faith than I ever have before. I can’t help but wonder what it is that I am getting close to accomplishing that the devil is trying to prevent.

To some degree, I’ve gone back to isolating myself from people. Just a little bit. Or at least I’ve taken a step back from anyone who I can not be 100% sure are contributing something positive to my life. I value my peace and sense of security more than ever before and I’ve come to realize that people around me have an outstanding affect on just that. Not to mention, I’ve found that surrounding myself with people who have similar ideas and the same faith as me tend to keep me on track.

But for a moment I was questioning if I am wrong for wanting to be a little more picky about who I surround myself. I questioned if taking a step back from social media was truly the right thing to do. Could “people” really be that bad?

Well that brings me to the present day. In January I began my hunt for my “success groups”. I attended classes and interest meetings for many groups and organizations both on and off my campus in search of the one that would fit. After some time and some research, I narrowed my search down to just a few groups and began to settle into them. Everything really seemed like it’d go well with each group and for most it did, however, there is one group that things just did not seem to workout with.

A life lesson that I thought I was already familiar enough with decided to bring me some more lemons. The reason I tend to pull away from people and prefer to keep my circle extremely small is because I learned a while back that most people don’t love (or even like) me unconditionally. In today’s day and age especially, people like dismiss anything that doesn’t give them instant gratification. I learned very quickly that in one of my new groups, openly disagreeing with what the group wants (or specific individuals), instantly makes me an outcast. The feeling of being exiled like that initially took me to a low I haven’t seen in years. Suddenly, it seemed like I was so alone when I was only looking at that one group of people because I had nearly forgotten about all of the love and support I had from elsewhere. Suddenly, I seemed to have forgotten that I’d already become a part of other groups and did not have to solely interact with just that one.

Of course it didn’t take me long to see the light and to realize that the cloak of loneliness had been thrown over my eyes, but I had a thought. I remembered why I’ve chosen in recent years to take a step back from social media and why I’ve become such a picky person about who I allow to exist in my circle. I really value my inner and outer peace and sense of stability.

At the same time, as much as I love the life of a hermit, I know that it’s not good for me to just live under my safety shell. It may not seem like it initially, but my presence could make some sort of positive impact. And my outspokenness could be what inspires others to do the same and make a change some day. Not to mention, I think I needed a little bit of fire under me for me to really make a change in my life.  And after one month, I can honestly say that I feel renewed.